This morning has felt like a graded exercise test. 🥴 We took our 3rd exam for Fundamentals, and our dosage safety exam.

You may or may not have heard that dosage safety in nursing is kind of a big deal. 😬 I mean, medical errors have long been the third leading cause of death, and a considerable portion of those are due to medication errors. 🤯 It’s crucial for nurses to understand how to safely and effectively calculate dosages, because people’s lives literally depend on it. 😳 Which is why, as student nurses, we are given 2 attempts to make at least a 90% on our dosage safety exams, or we must repeat the entire course! 😱 {No pressure.} 😰

Math and I have never really been friends. 😕 We’re more like very distant relatives who awkwardly nod to one another at the family reunion, while one of us pretends to have an urgent phone call. 🤣 I have nothing against math per se. It’s just not a skill I typically use outside of money management. 🤑 And it’s not something I’ve ever felt really comfortable or confident with. 🤐

Subsequently, I knew I would need to practice as much as possible. And I did! For weeks, I’ve been practicing every chance I got, plus studying the material for the regular exam. 🤓 When I walked in this morning, I 👏🏻 was 👏🏻 ready. 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

Until, I wasn’t. 🤪 Remember in the movie “A Christmas Story,” when Ralphie knew exactly what he wanted to say to Santa, until he climbed up on his lap? That was me. 😰 My mind went blank. 😳 It was like I had never encountered any of the information on this exam before in my life. My pulse quickened, my face felt flush, I could feel acid bubbling in my stomach and throat. 🤢 I had visions of being thrown out of nursing school, my family, friends, and colleagues disowning me. 😵

I pushed through and answered to the best of my ability, but somehow all and none of the answers seemed correct. 😶 I finished and my fears were realized… I scored a 73 on my main exam and a 75 on dosage safety. I felt like a failure and a fraud. I had robbed a more deserving student of acceptance into the limited access nursing program, and I did not deserve to be here. 😔

But just when I was feeling the lowest of lows, I saw an announcement from our instructor. There were glitches with the tests and she needed to manually assess them. 🤔 It was a tiny glimmer of hope. But I was pretty convinced that, if anything, she would only discover my scores were actually much lower than originally calculated.😖

All those familiar feelings of self-doubt and imposter syndrome came flooding back. How could I ever hope to become a nurse if I’m barely passing the first semester? I went home to pout, feel sorry for myself, and do some deep soul searching. 🥺

My pity party was interrupted by a good friend messaging me that grades had been adjusted. So, I reluctantly logged in to see the damage. 🙈

🥳🥳🥳🥳

I’m not a fraud or a failure. 🙌🏻 I made an 83 on my main exam and a 95 on my dosage safety exam! 🤩 I have what it takes to accomplish my goal: to be a safe and competent nurse. 👩🏻‍⚕️

The past couple weeks has been tough, but I’m surviving. 🙃 My trigeminal neuralgia flared up on my birthday 😭 (last weekend) and refused to let up. My neurologist had no availability for a few weeks and since it was painful, but tolerable, I was just {not so} patiently waiting… until yesterday morning when I started having nausea, vomiting, dizziness, and tremors, 🤪🥊 which is outside of my norm for these attacks. 😯 So, I reluctantly decided to visit the ER to see if things were more serious than I originally thought.

The ER turned out to be a great decision. As I would have hoped, the ER care team at Gulf Coast was incredibly attentive and compassionate. After some scans, labs, and meds, I achieved relief that I haven’t experienced since mid August. 🙌🏻 And I was finally able to focus my undivided attention on nursing school material. 😌

This morning, I tested my knowledge when I took my first exam for Foundations of Nursing. I always anticipate that my first test in any course will be a challenge because I never have any idea what to expect. But I’ve gotta level with you; nursing school is not for the faint of heart and I’m not wholly certain it gets any better. 👀 Nursing school questions are infamous, and for good reason. They are the epitome of evil. 😂

Sooooooo many correct answers, but which is the MOST correct? Does that term mean what I think it means? What DO I think it means? 🧐 Was that information even discussed during our lectures? Were there secret lectures no one told me about? Are they meeting behind my back? 😭 And did I mention how much I LOATHE the “select all that apply” questions? 😫😤 They ALLLLL apply! 😳 Or do they? Is that one there to trip me up? Do they just want me to tHiNk it’s only there to trip me up? Maybe they realized I would discover such a ruse and it’s actually right. 🤔

Did I even get accepted to the nursing program at all or is this all part of the elaborate social experiment that is 2020? 😧 Are they watching me squirm via clandestine webcam. 👀 Is this the sort of rabbit hole that leads one to become one of those tinfoil hat people? T🕳🐇 Why is my brain suddenly a useless gelatinous lump of ignorance and conspiracies? Where’s all that important information I’ve been learning in preparation for this exam? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Also, is it just me or is my heartbeat super loud? 🤕 Has it always been this loud? Can everyone else hear it? If I pass out, we’re all CPR certified, but I don’t know if any of us has ever practiced on a real person. Is this how I die? 😵 They say nursing school has never killed anyone? 💀 Is that true? Citation needed! 😬

Somehow, in spite of myself, I managed to complete the exam. And I did alright. Not horrible, not outstanding — just alright. I made an 80. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Don’t get me wrong, I know I could have done much worse. I convinced myself that this first exam would be a miserable failure, so the fact that I did better than a 70 is highly encouraging. 🥰

I’ve devoted my entire life to supporting people and building others up. My absolute favorite thing is to tell someone how amazing they are. People 👏🏻 need 👏🏻 and 👏🏻 deserve 👏🏻 to 👏🏻 hear 👏🏻 it! 👏🏻

All the while, I consistently tell myself I suck and I will never be good enough. 🙃 Good enough for what, exactly? I have no idea. 🤪 I can’t explain why I’m not kinder to myself. I’m my toughest critic and I’m always struggling with my own {mostly unrealistic and unattainable} standards. 🙄 If I can just get out of my own head and out of my own way, I will do great things… Stay tuned. 😘

I know what you’re thinking. 😏 No, I’m not talking about that “C” word. 😂 I’m talking about Coronavirus or CoVID-19. You know, the “C” word on everyone’s mind. 😬

I’m exhausted. 😓 My heart hurts for working families who don’t know how they’ll pay their bills; for truck drivers and retail workers who are also on the front lines, trying to keep supplies in stock; and for healthcare workers who don’t know if they’re going to carry this virus home to their own loved ones. 😔 I’m deeply worried, because I’m one of those healthcare workers, as are many of my friends. 😣

I’ve lost count of what day it is in this fight. If we’re being honest, I no longer care to count. I only know it’s already been a long road, and it’s still early. 😖

I’m a planner, a deliberative, calculating control freak. 🥴 I don’t just admit it; I embrace it. 💪🏻 I’ve never been comfortable with spontaneity or uncertainty. I’m not a ‘wait and see’ kind of creature. 🙃 I need timelines and blueprints. I NEED TO KNOW ALL THE THINGS! Because of reasons. 💁🏻‍♀️ I don’t sleep well these days. I stay awake to worry, contemplate, research and pray. I need to find calm amidst all this chaos. But mostly, I desperately need answers that simply do not yet exist. 😰

How long will this madness go on? I don’t know. No one does, and that’s a terrifying prospect. 😳

Viruses are like mischievous toddlers. They’re sneaky little jerks who don’t like to tell you what they’re up to. 😒 They sit quietly, doing sketchy things and when you notice the suspicious silence and ask what they’re doing, they respond with an evasive and innocently conniving, “Nuthin.” 🤓 But it’s actually worse than that. If it’s your toddler, you can intervene and swiftly stop whatever abomination might be brewing. 🙅🏻‍♀️

Living through this rapidly unfolding pandemic is more like helplessly observing someone else’s toddler wreaking havoc, while they’re trying to upload selfies to their IG. We’re all forced to wait and watch in sheer, unadulterated horror, speculating the results, with no way to know exactly what’s going to happen next or when it will end. 😭

We are blessed — and cursed with a world of information at our fingertips, the bulk of which we send and receive via social media. 🙄 And although many of us follow legitimate news outlets on those channels, we’re more inclined to receive second-hand information from friends, family, and even strangers. Which makes much of what we encounter incredibly subjective, biased and woefully inaccurate. 😨

Not everyone intentionally spreads false information. Fake news is often cleverly written and easy to believe. Thus, even well -meaning people can share misguided things. 😑 And with the lack of oversight or responsibility from companies like Facebook and Twitter, the spread of misinformation on social media continues to be a source of considerable frustration to many of us. 😤

Fear mongering is prevalent, and partly responsible for many people acting irrationally during this crisis. 🧻 However, another equally damaging response to the outbreak is willful ignorance from those who believe they are exempt from the consequences of this pandemic. 👙

They are correct…to minuscule degree. 🤫 It is widely known that the older population and those who are immunocompromised or have other significant underlying medical conditions are at greatest risk for the serious implications of the virus. Unfortunately, people who subscribe to delusions of age and health related protection are more wrong than right. Younger, healthier people are not immune to the virus. Viruses don’t discriminate and thinking otherwise is comparable to riding a motorcycle without a helmet or free falling without parachute. 🤔 You’re not guaranteed to become infected if you maintain your pre-pandemic routine, but wantonly avoiding the measures advised by public health officials certainly improves your chances. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Additionally, beliefs that younger people and those with healthy immune systems are strong enough to fight off the virus ignores the larger concern that fuels social distancing recommendations. The pleas for individuals to stay home as much as possible are motivated by evidence that people can be asymptomatic vectors, unknowingly spreading this potentially deadly virus to unsuspecting victims. 🦠

It’s understandable that people don’t want to be in seclusion. Social distancing is particularly difficult for many, because humans are social beings. The news stories of individuals visiting via phone, while sitting outside their elderly parents’ care facility windows are a poignant reminder of the emotional toll of this pandemic, and knowing that many others are unable to visit at all is even more tragic. 😢

Elsewhere, there are other chilling reminders of the gravity of this situation. Healthcare workers are scrambling to find alternative ways to protect themselves amid unprecedented PPE shortages, despite cautions about the efficacy and increased risk of infection from the use of cloth masks. Some hospitals are setting up unorthodox areas for COVID-19 screening, in preparation for what they consider to be an inevitable influx of patients. The state of Florida and other states have banned restaurant dining and closed other businesses. Virtually all schools are closed. Therefore, the class of 2020 will not be able to enjoy the rich experience that is synonymous with being a high school senior. These are truly dark and uncertain times. 😔

Still, despite all this uncertainty and hopelessness, there are reasons to stay optimistic. 😍 In Wuhan, China, they were able to close the last temporary hospital after the dramatic fall of cases. There is exciting news about clinical trials of existing drugs that could be effective in treating COVID-19. Researchers believe they have discovered an antibody capable of fending off an infection by the Covid-19 variant of coronavirus. A 103-year-old woman became the oldest person known to recover from the virus. Healthcare workers are united in the fight against this virus. Celebrities are making considerable donations. People are being genuinely good human beings. 🥰

There is also some comfort in a recent interview with Prof Walter Ricciardi, scientific adviser to Italy’s minister of health. Although new cases continue to overwhelm their medical system and their death toll is skyrocketing, things are slightly less concerning than their numbers suggest. Prof Ricciardi says Italy’s incredibly high mortality rate is attributed to two factors. First, they have a larger population of elderly people than other countries, with their hospital patients’ median age being 67.

Second, the way their deaths are classified inadvertently skews public perception. Essentially, if a patient dies while being positive for COVID-19, his/her death is reported to have occurred as a direct result of the virus, regardless of other underlying causes.

These subtle distinctions may seem insignificant or absurd, but they could explain why Italy is reporting mortality rates so much higher than other countries. 🤭

As we continue to navigate the long, arduous journey ahead, I refuse to sink into a pit of despair. 👊🏻 Instead, I will keep my eyes and ears open for signs of positivity and light. Good things are out there, you just have to look. 🤗

In the 14 or so months since Hurricane Michael, any semblance of a healthy lifestyle has been a distant memory. Like many in the wake of unspeakable disaster, I’ve been existing in survival mode. It’s different for everyone, but for me, this means skimping on high quality nutrition and opting for convenience foods. It means stress eating and avoiding nonessential activities that threaten to separate me from my beloved comfort zone. 🛌 It means outside of work, school, errands, and appointments, I’ve been a recluse… a very sedentary recluse. 👀

My actions {or inactions} have not been without consequence. In my descent into madness, I’ve also been incrementally gaining weight and creeping out of the normal A1C range and into Pre-Diabetic territory. This ‘elephant in the room’ was addressed at an appointment with my PCP in July.🐘 She told me that my A1C had put me in pre-diabetic status. 🙃

I have to be brutally honest here. I’m a fairly intelligent person. I’ve worked in healthcare most of my adult life and I’m desperately trying to make it through nursing school. I understand the implications of diabetes, better than most. However, I’m also really stubborn and like to live in denial. Thus, when she said “pre”, I just brushed it off, like an idiot.🤦🏻‍♀️

Unfortunately, some things simply will not be ignored. Whether you take them seriously or not. 😐 So, a few months later, at my October appointment, she gave me the news that my A1C had finally crept high enough to propel me to FULL BLOWN Type 2 Diabetic status. 😱

Wait. What? I was outraged, confused, and terrified. I can’t be a type 2 diabetic. I have a lot going on in my life right now. I don’t have time for this. 😵 How could this have happened? Why didn’t anyone… Oh, right. 🤭 Now I remember. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I was given countless warnings and valuable information, resources, and tools to help curb this. It didn’t have to be inevitable. I could have stopped it. But NO. In my delirium, I had honestly convinced myself that this serious {preventable} illness would magically resolve on its own, with no effort or lifestyle modifications on my part. 😤

And then it hit me! OMG! I was one of THOSE PEOPLE. 😮 The people who ignore all advice and fair warning from medical professionals. I may as well have been the patient who had just had her foot amputated, but stockpiled Little Debbies in the drawer of her hospital room’s night stand. WTF was wrong with me? 🤬 I had no one to blame except myself. 🤐

My doctor gave me a couple minutes to process the news. Then she asked me a very direct question that I wasn’t sure how to answer. She asked me if I felt like I could make the necessary changes or if we needed to begin pharmacological intervention. There’s no easy way to say this… My willpower SUCKS! I have stalked fad diets like a lion stalking a gazelle. 🙃 If I had devoted as much of my time and energy to making healthy changes as I have in researching tips and tricks from unqualified gurus, I wouldn’t be in this predicament. In short, I wasn’t sure I could make {and commit to} the changes I needed to make, but I wanted to try.

I started making small changes to my diet (counting calories, decreasing carbs, limiting processed foods, etc.) and because dietary changes are futile without some exercise, I decided I’d better try to move slightly more than a sloth. 😬

As is my way, I started feeling discouraged. I was tired. I was hangry. I wanted dessert! 😫 I mean, where was my dramatic improvement? All this work and I still looked like a ‘before’ photo. What a ripoff. 😒 Thankfully, my guardian angel knows me well. Whenever I felt weak, I’d be hit with divine intervention, in the form of a tv or print advertisement for T2D medications. 🙉 So, I was cranky and achy, but I pressed on.

Today was my follow-up appointment and I was dreading it. 🙈 I didn’t want to go. 🙅🏻‍♀️ Why should I? 👧🏻 All I ever get is bad news. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. 🧐 I just wanted to pout and eat some ice cream.

Don’t worry. I behaved myself and went. 😑 And you know what? I’m so excited! 😃 I’m not one of THOSE PEOPLE anymore! I’m compliant! 🥳 I’ve lost 12 pounds and my A1C has dropped an entire point. 🙌🏻 I’ve returned to a normal range and pharmacological therapy is officially off the table! 😃 Maybe I CAN do this.

I think I deserve a treat! 💁🏻‍♀️

Don’t give me that look. 😏 I’m having an apple cinnamon rice cake. But I’m gonna pretend it’s a cookie and there’s nothing you can do about it. 😜

Who knows? Maybe there’s an after photo in my future. 😉

I have been feeling so nervous and apprehensive since last semester concluded. And it occurred to me that other people may have been struggling with similar demons. 🤔

Many times over the winter break, I’ve had to fight intense urges to drop the classes in which I enrolled and just take a semester {or 2… or 3} off, admit defeat, and hide. 🙃

My inner voice is boorish and vicious. It feeds off of my self-doubt, basks in my temporary setbacks, and revels in the rise of obstacles. 😢

No matter how hard I work or how much progress I make, it insists I’m fooling myself. I’m just wasting precious time and money by attempting to do something with my life. It tries so hard to convince me that I’m a failure and a fraud. 😬 That I’m just not nursing material and everyone knows it. 😭 It’s a huge challenge to brush it off and press on. 🥴

If you’ve never experienced negative self talk, I hope you never do. It’s a frightening, unsettling feeling to constantly fight with your inner voice. It’s so odd to have genuine support and encouragement from countless people, but not from yourself. 😱

These are the same feelings that propelled a downward spiral and an unplanned 10 year college hiatus, from which I almost couldn’t recover. 😳

This imposter syndrome has plagued me my whole life. I’m not a typical student and never have been. I’ve always loved learning, but never felt worthy of the knowledge I sought or the goals I wanted to achieve. It’s been an exhausting uphill battle, always trying so hard to disregard the internal voice that declared so incessantly {and so believably} that I would never amount to anything.

A few days into each class, I gain some momentum. I find a groove. Things start to click and I know I can do what’s necessary to succeed. I start feeling like I’m where I belong and that I can actually achieve the goals I’ve set for myself. That’s when I’m at my best. That’s when I feel like me. Faint memories of that feeling are part of what helps me go on. 😌

Everyone looks forward to spring break, summer vacation, winter break, or even just extended weekends and student holidays. 🥳 They think I’m so strange when I say I don’t share that enthusiasm. 🙅🏻‍♀️

What they don’t understand is that breaks are not enjoyable downtime for me; they are all-consuming, undeniable torture. Breaks are when things slow down and that hateful, taunting inner voice can become louder and louder, until I’m hanging on its every word and nodding, tearfully in agreement. Breaks are when it takes every ounce of energy and tenacity I can muster to plan my next step and not lose sight of the big picture. 🤦🏻‍♀️

The time has come to start the new semester, to move forward. I made it. I survived. I didn’t surrender. My tuition is paid and my textbooks are in my bag. The break is finally over and in a few days, that awful inner voice will be just a low hum. 🤫

So, just know that if you also struggle with a negative inner voice that would have you believe you aren’t good enough or smart enough, it’s a liar. That voice has no idea what you and I are capable of and it has no power here. 💪🏻

The semester is officially over! 😎 I made an 89 on my Math for Liberal Arts final and finished that class with a 91. But the instructor was phenomenal and I never really had many issues there, once I found my groove.

I haven’t posted much about it, because I was really hoping things would improve. But I have struggled so more with A&P 2 than I ever have in any class I’ve taken. I don’t believe the material or my amount of effort was the problem. I have never felt so dissatisfied with an instructor. There was such limited assistance or guidance. The exams rarely reflected information outlined in the reviews; the PowerPoints (most say they were last updated between 2007-2012) were full of errors and often significantly differed from the lecture videos; and the textbook was barely referenced. In other classes, I’ve been able to use Khan Academy or other resources to deliver the material from a different perspective. So, I thought it might be helpful here. It was not. I would often feel really confident in my grasp of the material… only to be confused and proven wrong by exam question after exam question. 😦

I reached out for help a few times and I was always given a similar response: “The material is clearly stated in the PowerPoints and lecture videos.” But it wasn’t, at least not for me. 😔

I found some solace in the fact that former students {even some of my closest friends} have had similar experiences with this instructor, but solidarity can’t protect you from failure, which was my greatest fear in this class. I’ve been barely holding a C in this class all semester, living in absolute terror that any misunderstood question or forgotten detail would sabotage my entire future. It’s been the most stressful, agonizing, and emotionally exhausting semester of my life… which is mind boggling, because I survived a category 5 hurricane from inside my Jeep. 🤯 I won’t say this class has been worse than the hurricane, but I’ll just say both events will be infamously etched into my mind.

Fortunately, nothing lasts forever and this atrocious chapter has finally come to an end so I can move on. But the last hurdle of this class was just as complicated as the others.

I just finished my A&P 2 final. I’m relieved to be finished, but I honestly feel a little violated. 😳 It was the most bizarre, surreal experience. 😱

In all my ranting about this class, hubs has been adamant that my many struggles may just be due to the nature of online learning. That’s an interesting point. It’s wrong, but still interesting. 👍🏻 I have taken other online classes and so have countless friends and colleagues. I can assure you, my experience with this class is not the norm. I also want to preface that the level of security I’m about describe is not an industry standard for online education. It is solely at the discretion of your instructor. 🧐 Apparently my instructor believes online students cannot be trusted. 👀

In my house there are numerous devices. We have 2 chromebooks, a kindle, an LG tablet, an android phone and my iphone. None of them were compatible with the browser required for this final.🤦🏻‍♀️

So, how did I take my online A&P 2 final exam.

I went to the designated testing center in the campus library. It began with a 15 minute student and equipment verification process. First, I logged into the Respondus lockdown browser, you know, to prevent me from opening other webpages, or copying and pasting exam questions to sell to other students. {yes, that’s actually something explicitly stated by the software.} 🤨 Then came the webcam check to ensure there’s a clear view of me taking my exam. {I hope they delete the videos after the exam, because I looked a lot like I do on the Target self-checkout camera. 😂} After the webcam check, I was prompted to record a 60 second environment check showing my surroundings on, around, and under the computer and its desk. {The environment is a proctored campus testing center, so this seems a little unnecessary, but I guess it’s the same process regardless of your testing location.🙄} Then, the webcam took a picture of my face {read 👉🏻 mugshot} and a subsequent photo of my student ID for comparison, this is to prevent a student from coercing a friend or colleague into taking the exam in his/her place. 😯

I want to pause for a moment to say I think I need better friends. 😤 NO ONE. Not. A. Single. Person. ever offered to take my exams for me. 😭 Why has no one told me this was a thing.🤷🏻‍♀️ I feel so unloved. 😩

Okay, I guess I needed to do this all by myself so I could learn the material and what not, but it would have been nice if someone had at least offered. 😭

Anyhoo, I finished jumping through all of the hoops and finally started my 2 hour exam. I swear I’d never seen or heard 40-50% of the material she asked about on this exam. Which isn’t all that surprising with this class…🙃 It was intense. They may flag me for suspicion of cheating because I could not stop looking around the room at the walls, the floor, and the ceiling, as if some divining spirit was going to make answers magically appear. I’m sure the replay will be very entertaining for the individuals who review the footage. 😬

I’m not even sure how, and I honestly don’t even care at this point, but somehow I managed to score a 76, which gives me a 73 for the class. 👩🏻‍💻

Is it the best grade I’ve ever received? No.

Did I Kill It? No. I barely survived. 🥴

Am I satisfied? YESSSS! 🥳 Not just because I’m done with this class! 💃🏻 {Although that’s a feat in itself.😬} But I’m also incredibly proud of myself. I truly feel like I gave this class everything I had and some things I didn’t even realize I had. 😳 I worked for every single fraction of a point I earned.

Plus, I already have my “Class from Hades” story. Some nursing students have to go YEARS and obliviously think it will all be smooth sailing before they’re blindsided with this kind of adversity.😆

I deserve a reward… Is a nap a reward?🤔 Cuz it’s exhausting being a super stoked C student in a dystopian society. 😂

That’s a question I’ve been asked and given a lot of thought over the years. 🤔 And honestly, I’ve never been sure how to answer it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Don’t get me wrong. I definitely want to be a nurse and I’ve known that for quite some time. 👩🏻‍⚕️ I mean, I’m certainly not working full time, managing a household {with a lot of help from a super understanding husband ☺️}, going to school, and spending my spare time studying, while punishing my artistic, creative {and noticeably resistant 🙄} brain with math classes because it’s a fun hobby. 😒

I genuinely enjoy serving others and offering support, education, and compassion. And get ready to roll your eyes, guffaw, shake your head, or however else you might need to prepare yourself for a cliche… Ready? 🤓 I want to make the world a better place. There. I said it. 😊 I want to make a positive impact on as many people as possible in a way that only I can. 💞 No matter how you feel about religion, spirituality, karma, the universe, the butterfly effect, or whatever else you might believe is responsible for how, when, or why things transpire, I really feel that nursing is my calling. So, I’m putting everything I’ve got into making it a reality, because I truly could not see myself in a profession outside of healthcare. 😍

Having said all that, I loathe 🤢 the question, “What do you want to to be when you grow up?” I think we should stop saying it to kids {and people, in general😒}. Why? Because I don’t think it’s as simple as choosing or a specific vocation. There is and will always be an abundance of incredibly intelligent, skilled, talented, driven, ambitious, would-be successful people in all regions of this world. But not everyone is afforded the same opportunities or resources. 😕

No matter what you’ve heard about ‘pulling yourself up by your bootstraps’ or making your own way, it’s not always so easy. It’s true that some people defy the odds and find a way to achieve their dreams and reach their full potential. ☝🏻 We’ve all been moved by the chronicles of someone who survived an impoverished childhood of abuse and neglect, before overcoming his/her beginnings to become a famous philanthropist and tech mogul, investment guru, world renowned scientist, or some other equally impressive phenom.

Still, these results are the exception, not the rule. And while someone might recount these types of experiences to offer powerful inspiration and even comfort to someone who feels trapped by their circumstances, they can also create immense pressure, stress, and self doubt in your mind when you can’t seem to replicate those results for yourself. 😤

As a society, we need to stop basing our convictions for the majority on the extraordinary outcomes of a slim minority. We need to be more open minded and accept that “Homeless to Harvard” is not the reality for everyone, or even a significant portion of people who face adversity. 😔

We also need to work on our view of success and contentment, recognizing that these things mean different things to different people.

I was recently on Warrior Forum, one of my favorite forums for entrepreneurs, creatives, and side hustlers. I was searching for tips and marketing help to attract more clients for my writing and art services. While there, I came across the post of someone from Liberia who was also searching for help marketing his writing and perfecting his pitches. He was very excited that he had finally started receiving positive feedback from an editor who had offered to pay him $20 per 1,000 word article and he just wanted 2-3 more consistent clients who would pay around the same amount each month. 🤨

I want to pause here, for a moment. Now, I have no idea how much you guys know about the writing industry, so let me give you a little insight. 😉 On the LOW end of the pay scale, writers should expect to earn no less than $50-100 per 500 word article from reputable individuals or companies. $20 for 1,000 words is an insult to hardworking writer everywhere and frankly a ripoff. 😡 In fact, a lot those hardworking writers don’t mind telling you how they feel about those sorts of prices. Many will even tell you that they place as much blame for the devaluation of their work on writers willing to accept such offers as they do on the predatory clients who propose them and I have to admit, they’re pretty justified. 🤐

Since confrontation is right up there with a crowded nude beach on my list of uncomfortable situations, I often silently read, observe, and judge triggering or controversial forum posts and social media posts without actually engaging. 😬 So I forfeited my original reason for visiting the forum to read the seemingly endless vicious attacks and venom being spewed at this poor guy, who had unknowingly ignited the wrath of the internet. I was ravenously reading each response and feverishly clicking page after page in anticipation of his defense for his business model. Was he lacking confidence, unsure of appropriate pricing, singlehandedly trying to undermine the entire writing industry? What exactly was his deal? 🤔 “Explain yourself, good sir!” 🧐

I finally found an answer on the 5th page and I immediately felt ashamed for being so judgmental and intolerant of a complete stranger. 😣 He explained that in his country, things are very difficult. Many children don’t get to attend school beyond elementary or middle school. 😳 Many families are very poor, surviving on less than $60/ month. He apologized for upsetting so many people. He said he admired people from the UK, US, and wealthier nations, but knew he could never have the things we do. He said he knew it was ambitious and didn’t actually expect to achieve it, but his goal was to earn around $250/month to help his family have a better life. 😭

Can you imagine having such limited resources at your disposal that $250/month seems out of the realm of possibility? 😧

Many of us become so fixated on what success looks like for someone else that we probably haven’t given much thought to what it looks like to ourselves and that’s really unfortunate. ☹️ I wonder how many people would consider a different path in their lives if they took some time to reflect and paint their own picture of success. 🤔

Now, back to that original question, “What do I want to be when I grow up?” I want to be happy, helpful, kind, loving, empathetic, creative, charitable, and considerate, but above all else, I want to be grateful. Because without those things, the rest doesn’t mean much. 💖

If I haven’t mentioned it, I’m taking Developmental Math this summer. Because I decided the regular torture of my most hated subject would not be sufficient. 😒No, I needed an accelerated version that would cram an already condensed 4 month review of ALL the math an average person should have learned by adulthood into just 6 super short weeks. 🤪

Finding the most challenging and traumatic path for myself is one of my special talents. As Puck said in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”, ‘Lord, what fools these mortals be!’ 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m happy to report that it hasn’t been all bad. I have an excellent teacher, who has been able to help me immensely, which is the only fathomable explanation for my current 92 average. And since he ONLY teaches during the summer session, I’m actually really glad I opted to brave the summer session. 😊

Still, the class has raised some suspicions in my mind that I would like to discuss. 🤔According to the description, this course was “designed for students who need to strengthen their mathematical background and will review topics covered by previous math classes, such as pre-algebra and algebra.” So, if I’m understanding this correctly, the things taught here would have been addressed by high school math teachers.

Well, since precious little of this information is the slightest bit familiar to me, I’ve arrived at three possible conclusions. Feel free to suggest your own, as well. 😁

1.) At some point following high school, I sustained a rather severe head injury that rendered virtually all of my math related memories inaccessible and no one has had the heart to tell me about the injury or investigate its effects on the lobe of my brain that controls my math comprehension; 2.) Unbeknownst to me, I was in a high school math class for differently abled students with special needs and people have been and continue to lie to me to protect my fragile ego; 3.) My high school math teacher was corrupt and accepted bribes in exchange for her agreement to teach lower level concepts, instead of the curriculum taught to students in other classes, in which case there are countless others out there who also haven’t the foggiest idea how to solve problems like this:

N= {-5, -4, 0, 6, 8}  O= {-4, 0, 8, 9} N  ∩O=

So, which one do you think it is? I’m also open to other theories. And, if you have similar theories about your own math deficiencies, message me. Thanks to my amazing teacher, I’ve recently learned how to solve the above equation. 😃

On my way to class this morning, I ran into an old friend. We worked together when I was a CNA around 15 years or so ago. I know exactly what you’re gonna say, “Kimmi, you couldn’t possibly be old enough to have been a CNA 15 years ago. When did elementary school kids become eligible for CNA school and certification?” 😮 I know, it’s hard to believe I’m that old, what with looking so youthful and all, but it’s true. 😏

Anyhoo, back to my friendly encounter. I asked how she was doing and what she had been up to all these years. She said she was still at the same facility and explained that she was accompanying a patient to an appointment at the hospital.

We took a minute to catch up, but I had to cut our reunion short so I wouldn’t be late for class. As we parted ways, she became unexpectedly salty, making the snarky comment that it must be nice to have a job that just lets you come and go as you please. 😳

I was so offended by that statement and I felt so attacked. 😡 I angrily walked away with millions of defensive thoughts running through my mind, followed by millions of guilty feelings. 😰

Then, I stopped myself. ✋🏻 I decided to focus less on the implications of her statement and more on her words and suddenly I didn’t feel upset anymore. 🤔Because you know what? It IS NICE to work somewhere that allows me the flexibility to go to school. It IS NICE to be part of a team that appreciates everything I do, believes in me (sometimes more than I believe in myself 🤗), shares in the joy of my accomplishments, advises me about my challenges, and handles things while I’m away. It IS NICE to work for a company that is willing to invest in their employees and offer them the opportunity to better themselves. 💗

She was so right. It IS NICE. I’m so thankful for that salty, backhanded compliment. I can always use a reminder to be grateful. 😎