Friends, it’s midterm. We have now reached the end of the first half of second semester. 🥳 We’re halfway through our halfway point of nursing school. I know it seems early for a celebration, and while I can’t speak for all of my classmates, I’m not going to sugar-coat it. I’m struggling. 🙃

I’ve had another rough week with my trigeminal neuralgia. I was hoping it was a migraine early Wednesday morning. {Yes, I was HOPING for a migraine. The lesser of two evils. 🙃} But, it wasn’t. So, I missed clinical this week. 😔 Instead, I spent most of the day in the dark, with my face on my heating pad, praying for any hint of relief. 😣

I’m a self-proclaimed control freak. 🙋🏻‍♀️ Thus, a disorder with its own agenda is extraordinarily difficult for me. 😒 Because, despite my best efforts, it is completely out of my control. And I don’t like that… at all. 😝 I take my neuro meds, keep a journal of suspected triggers to avoid, go to all my neuro appointments, get nerve blocks periodically injected into my face, volunteer for clinical trials and experimental studies, and everything else I feel like I can possibly do, but it still comes on with no warning whenever it chooses and remains as long as it sees fit. It no longer scares or depresses me like it used to. 🧐 Now it just… well, to be blunt, it kinda pisses me off. 🤷🏻‍♀️ But I digress.

As I said before, I’m struggling. Not like the usual “I got a 92 instead of a 98” perfectionist Kimmi nonsense that you guys get tired of trying to console me about. No, I’m legitimately struggling. 🥴 Like, teetering on the brink of disaster where a few slight missteps could derail way more than just my train of thought.🙈

“But Kimmi, you were doing so well, what happened?” Nothing really “happened” per se. But second semester is really intense. It’s a WHOLE LOT of information hermetically sealed in suspiciously small, seemingly innocuous packets, that when opened, triple or quadruple in size, like those compact emergency life rafts. With each meticulous segment building on the previous. 😲

An aside, one of the reasons I chose nursing also seems to be one of the things that is making the program incredibly difficult for me. 😬 The human body and its functions and processes fascinates me. I could dedicate entire semesters {or potentially years} to a single system or organ and its disorders, and not feel that I am doing it justice in completely understanding all that I need to know. 🤯 I guess that’s why people specialize. 🤓

This is a program of regular speed and length, but since nursing encompasses so much {and since I have a tendency to fixate 🤐}, even this normal, general nursing program often feels accelerated and just as I’m finding my rhythm, it’s time to progress. It’s almost maddening. 🤪

At any rate, I pAsSeD my third exam yesterday. 🥳 Still, I was pretty bummed that I didn’t perform better. 🥺 Because I studied every chance I got. Over the last couple weeks, I lived and breathed {obsessed over?} the cardiac system. Even with my uncooperative facial nerves, I watched videos, made concept maps, read and re-read the textbook and PowerPoints, used flash cards, apps, and my study guide, and took practice quizzes. 👊🏻

When I walked in to take the exam, I was actually feeling fairly confident. Which is a strange feeling for me and I wasn’t exactly sure what it meant. 👀 I also knew I had a small insurance policy at the end of the exam. Because we haven’t reached the point where we can’t go back to questions yet. 😏 So, I had flagged like 8-10 questions I had wrestled with and eventually changed {because I still don’t trust myself 🙃}, but wanted to revisit after the last question. 🤓

Unfortunately, I didn’t realize the last question was the LAST QUESTION. 😭 So, thinking I was clicking ’next’ I hit ‘Submit’. 😨 Annnnd that was the end of that. I felt my soul leave my body. 💀 Have you ever realized you sent a text or an email to the wrong recipient at the exact moment you hit send? It was like that. 😭 I knew what happened immediately, but it was too late. My answers were final and they belonged to the interwebs, even the ones that I somehow talked myself into that were once good, strong answers, but now made absolutely no sense, needed further review, and should frankly just die by fire. 🔥 🔥 🔥

I must have sat there for another 5 minutes, mean mugging the computer, trying to intimidate it into returning my absconded exam. 🤣 Spoiler: It had the audacity to be undeterred. 😝

I finally admitted defeat and reviewed my results. 🥺 It wasn’t awful. But it wasn’t stellar, either. As per the uje, I should have left well enough alone. 🙄 The answers I changed and wanted to change back? They would have been right. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Because, of course they would’ve. Why am I always in my own way? 😐 Oh well. Here’s to better choices in the future. 🥂

Incidentally, does anyone happen to know if those fancy shock collars can be programmed to train specific behaviors out of human beings? 🤔 If so, would that be a thing one could wear to sit for the NCLEX? Asking for a friend. 🙈

Confession time: I know you guys probably thought I abandoned my blog and fell further into obscurity, introversion, and senility, as nursing school trampled me to death. 🤪 Although those things are technically not NOT true, 👀 the truth is, I didn’t post about my last exam because it was an embarrassment to me, my class, and the nursing community, as a whole. 😱 Okay, maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but it was pretty ugly. 🙈 Was it the worst grade ever? No. But it was MY worst. 😩 And don’t give me any of that “You’ll get ‘em next time. It’s only a single test. That was a learning opportunity.” crap. 😒

I appreciate the sentiment, honestly I do. 😘 But you have to understand how devastating it feels to devote so much energy and time to studying, only to find yourself rubbing your temples, drawing blank after blank, and guessing at numerous answers, while simultaneously contemplating whether some nursing credits might have any impact on the starting salary of a circus clown in today’s economy. 🤡 {Clowns really freak me out, so this is possibly the truest sign of desperation.😱}

Now, I can already hear you guys. “But if you studied, why all the guessing?” 🤔 Well, it turns out that I focused on ALL the wrong details. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Details our instructor explicitly cautioned against. 🤨 {Why am I like this?🤓} #TrustIssues

Today, I took another exam. 😬 And it was like night and day. 😲 I knew the material. No guesswork, no temple rubbing, no ‘eenie meenie miney mo,’ I actually KNEW stuff. 🤩 The things I got wrong were weird judgment calls that were right, but “not the most right” ☝🏻 and careless errors when I misread the question. 🤪 #ReadingIsFundamentalKids

While I didn’t ace it, my score drastically improved over the last exam… by aLmOsT an entire letter grade. 😃 Since I didn’t ace the exam, this might not seem especially impressive, but I feel pretty good about it. 😌

I attribute improvement to a few things. Number one: (This is a pro tip; write it down) 👉🏻 FIRST EXAMS SUCK! 😂 Seriously. 😏 You don’t know what to expect, how to prepare, or where to focus your efforts. 😳 And if you’ve had strange experience with former instructors in previous semesters, 👀 you may or may not even be sure you can trust your current instructors’ study tips, advice, or exam blueprints. 🙃

So, the first thing that helped {sometimes the ONLY thing that can help} was just taking the exam, finding out all the unknowns and learning that these instructors are actually incredibly helpful, supportive, and trustworthy. 🙌🏻 🥳

The only other thing I’ve done, and I don’t want to get all sales pitchy, but a friend turned me onto the first website I’ve found that my mushy brain really gravitates toward. 🧠 Yay for quirky mnemonics corny videos, and super vibrant study guides. 🥰

Now, if I can just stop getting things right, but not the most right ☝🏻 and actually READ THE QUESTIONS, I’ll be unstoppable! 😝

My heart is so heavy today. 😔 The air is thick with so much hatred, anger, and animosity. 💔

I realize there are extremists at both ends of the spectrum. Fortunately, as far as I can tell, 👀 those extremists do not represent my family, friends, or colleagues.

So, save for human rights that should be afforded to EVERYONE (respectfully, this is not up for debate and I’m not interested in hearing any justification you might offer arguing otherwise), I contend that in the grand scheme, a lot of the seemingly insurmountable issues that divide many of us are pretty insignificant. And at the heart of things, I truly believe we all want many of the same things; we just have slightly varied ideas of the best ways to achieve those objectives and which elected officials are best equipped to help us get there.

But with many so adamant that anyone who does not agree with 100% of their views is the enemy, I feel compelled to ask, aren’t different viewpoints much of what makes a team or a group or a UNITED NATION wonderful? The ability to help and yes, challenge one another. To bring unique life experiences and knowledge, suggesting practical ideas and potential solutions, then find ways to marry them together with perspectives generated through other people’s unique life experiences and knowledge, thus creating something so much greater and more inclusive than any single individual could have ever hoped to develop alone.

Everyone wants to be heard, yet no one wants to take a few moments to listen to or understand anyone else.

I guess I’m channeling John Lennon these days. “You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope some day you’ll join us, and the world will be as one.”

We really need to do better, because we are all we’ve got. One nation, under God…INDIVISIBLE.💗

Ask for advice or information on anything and you’ll find no shortage of “experts” who have sourced their knowledge from Google or YouTube. Well, I’ve had a few days to reflect on my experience with nursing school thus far, and I want to share my valuable “expertise”, as well. 😁

So, I’ll see those prestigious Google degrees in the impressive fields of YouTube Sciences and Conspiracy Theorem Engineering and I’ll raise them my first semester of pandemic nursing school. 🤓

I mean, since literally no one asked, here’s what I learned from my first semester in nursing school. You’re welcome. 😌

First, your learning style, Don’t get me wrong, your learning style is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s not the ‘end all be all’ of your college career, but it can make or break your study habits. You need to know how you learn best. No, not like, “I took this Facebook quiz…” 😝 Like really take some time to ACTUALLY figure out your learning style and what it could mean for your study methods. VARK is a great {FREE} resource.

There’s nothing more frustrating than implementing all the study strategies of every successful student you can find, and still not seeing results. “Why is Suzy getting great grades by just listening to her lectures on repeat, but I’m not?” 😭 Because Suzy is an auditory learner and you’re a kinesthetic learner. You might as well place your textbook under your pillow and hope for the best. {Yes, people actually do that. No it doesn’t help. Yes, I’m sure. No, not even a little bit. The only “advantage” you’ll gain over people who actually study is a neck cramp and crankiness. And you can also get those by studying in weird positions, if you’re into that.} 🙄

A couple more things about learning styles. There is no law that says you can only have one. You know how people can speak more than one language? They can also learn with more than one style. So, don’t think something is wrong with you if you don’t fit in a single box. That just means you are more likely to learn with more than one way, which is the opposite of a problem. 😉

Conversely, being identified as as a certain type of learner is not a license to give up on something being taught a different way. It just means you might need to be creative and put in a little more effort. Believe me, I know it can feel like it’s broken or working against us. 🤪 But the human brain is an amazing thing. {Yes, I mean everyone’s.} Don’t underestimate its abilities. 🧠

Beyond learning style issues, can we talk about how no one prepared me for the amount of discussion there would be surrounding the appropriate delegation of tasks to unlicensed personnel? 😳 As uncomfortable as imagining entrusting some of my work to another person makes the control-freak perfectionist in me, I knew it was something that would come up. Still, I had no idea there was so much involved in the topic. And it absolutely never occurred to me how many variations of delegation questions would present themselves on tests. 🤯

There are 5 rights of delegation (task, circumstances, person, communication, and supervision). I have to admit, that was really overwhelming for someone whose inner voice maintains that asking for help is equivalent to being weak and/or lazy. To make this make sense, I had simplify. 🤐

First, you have to get it through your head that delegation is a crucial part of nursing. If you have a hard time allowing others to do things, here’s how I had to break it down for my stubborn self. 😛 Do you want to handle everything in mediocre fashion or a selection of crucial things in stellar fashion? Because if you try to do EVERYTHING yourself, one {or both} of these two things will happen. a.) Quality will suffer across the board. b.) Mistakes will be made. In health care, neither of these is acceptable. 👎🏻

As for test questions, for the most part, those 5 rights really come down to a couple of fundamental concepts. 🖊

1. You (the RN) will retain full responsibility for EVERYTHING you delegate. Because you are licensed, the patient’s care is your responsibility.

3. NEVER delegate M.E.A.T. 🥩 (Medications, Evaluations, Assessments, or Teaching). These are duties that legally require licensure. 🩺

So, shake your brain into submission 🧠 and remember those things and the rest will pretty much take care of itself. 😌

Now, onto another HESI/NCLEX biggie: Prioritization. We all know priorities are ABCDE (Airway, Breathing, Circulation, Disability, and Exposure.) But if you’re not careful, that can trip you up. Remember to focus on ALL the details provided, without adding any from your own imagination. 🦄 A stable asthma, COPD, or AFib patient is not a priority over a patient at immediate risk for injury or postop infection. 😉

Which brings me to my next point. Read 👏🏻 each 👏🏻 question. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Now, read it again. Then, rephrase it in your own words. Rewrite it on your scratch paper, if you need to. Seriously. 🤪 I cannot tell you how many questions I’ve missed because I didn’t read the questions well enough and ThOuGhT I knew what they were asking. {Spoiler: I did not} Going through test reviews, I have felt like such an idiot. How could I have missed that? Ugh. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Another common challenge for nursing students comes in the form of medication calculations. If you’re a person who has never struggled with math, you’ll be fine. Also, I hate you. 🧐 Okay, not really, but I’m super jelly, because I tend to be very imaginative, thinking in fanciful abstract concepts. Great for creative pursuits, but for math, not so much. 🙃 But we all have our talents and it takes a combination of all of our wondrous gifts to make this world work, right? 🥰

All that to say, if you aren’t so mathematically inclined, congratulations! Your new hobby is dimensional analysis. 😂 I’m kidding, sort of. 😬 If you’re like me, and math isn’t your strongest subject, don’t let it freak you out. You don’t have to be a math prodigy to be successful. But you WILL need to put in some extra effort. Use every single resource at your disposal. We had optional math workshops and the instructor of said workshops was incredibly helpful, during and outside of the workshops, IF people reached out to her. Additionally, there are numerous really useful tutorials all over the interwebs, like this one.

You’re also certain to have some of those glorious math-minded people in your cohort and chances are, they will be more than willing to offer tips and advice. 👩🏻‍🏫

You’re not a dummy for realizing you’re in over your head and need to ask for help; knowing you’re drowning and allowing yourself to fail because you’re too proud to ask or accept available help… that’s another story. #NotSorry 🤷🏻‍♀️

My final piece of advice is that for individual assignments, a rubric is your bible. Do things EXACTLY as your rubric explicitly states. If it doesn’t specify or if it seems unclear, for the love of all that is good in this world, ASK FOR CLARIFICATION. Otherwise, you could, hypothetically speaking, spend countless weeks putting together a gorgeous presentation with perfectly attributed images, a flawless bibliography, and just the right verbiage, 😁 only to be told that your language was too sophisticated for the average layperson, even though you were presenting to fellow nursing students {whom, you would have hoped were at or above your level of comprehension}. 🤨 So, you’ll be assessed what feels like an extremely hefty 20% penalty for the assignment and you’ll be salty about it for a long time. 🧂 How long? The jury’s still out. 😒 Years, months, a few more days. We’ll just have to wait and see. 😑 I mean, we would have to wait and see. You know, if this wasn’t a completely mythical scenario I made up for emphasis. 🙃

So there you have it. Advice you never asked for from a self-proclaimed expert with no credentials and limited experience. Just like everywhere else online. Isn’t the internet wonderful? 🤣

I’m done! Well, with this semester, at least. I took my exit HESI this morning. I didn’t exactly kill it, but it didn’t kill me either. So, that’s good, right? 🤷🏻‍♀️ As things stood, I needed to achieve 29% or like a 319 on the HESI to pass the course. I did no other calculations. 😬 I just needed to know the minimum necessary to pass. I had that super fixated tunnel vision you guys know and love about me. 👀 It never even occurred to me that I could or should score much above 320 or so. #AimHighKids 😝

I actually pleasantly surprised myself. I didn’t ace it, but I made a decent 889, which equated to a 79, making my final grade for Basic Care of the Adult a solid B. 🥳 So, if you just wanted to know how I did, there you go. 🤗 If you’re craving a few more details about my experience, have a seat and read on.

It’s 2020, so of course, things at the test site started off a little sketchy and intense. 🙈 There were issues with internet connectivity, the testing password presented its own unique set of challenges, and tensions ran high for student and instructor alike, as we tried to figure out how to access the clandestine program that cloaked the key to our future. #NoPressure 🥺

We finally got in and began our assessments. And that’s when I {and a lot of my friends} suddenly realized that none of the practice exams or adaptive quizzes had been any 👏🏻 help 👏🏻 whatsoever. 👏🏻 There I was again. Taking another exam, for which I had worked incredibly hard to prepare, yet the questions and my review were on totally different planets. 😱

Other people had mentioned when we got there that the room was a little warm. I couldn’t relate. 👎🏻 My whole body suddenly felt cold and numb. I immediately KNEW I was doomed to repeat this course next semester. My goal of 29% had seemed so effortlessly attainable yesterday. But now, I was wondering if I would get a single answer right. 😢 I was deep in my own head, {a dark, dangerous place} desperately trying to decide how I would explain to everyone that, despite their support and belief in me, I was an utter failure. 😢

But then, I told myself to snap out of it and get my 💩 together. {I really need to hire someone to follow me around and smack me when I start spiraling like this. Like an emotional support slapper. I wonder if that would be covered by my insurance. 🤔} Anyhoo, I stopped panicking and reminded myself that even though this test did not cover the things I had recently reviewed, it DID cover things I had learned this semester. The questions were new and unusual, but if I took my time reading them, there was a strong possibility that I might be able to choose the correct answers and live happily ever after. 😌

My little internal pep talk helped, but I still have so many questions. How does this keep happening? How can they ALWAYS find so many new and unusual questions I never consider? Where do they come up with this stuff? Who are these writers? How might one become one of these writers? Could an amateur blog dripping with sarcasm and emojis be considered a portfolio? Are they hiring? 😂

On a loosely related note, I’d like to file a complaint.☝🏻 Because on some of these questions, ALL of the answers are obviously correct. 🤓 I’m fairly certain there must be a ‘D.) All of the Above’ answer hidden from me somewhere on my screen. 🤨 So, if someone could get me a computer programmer to address that before next semester, that’d be great. 😒

In any event, I passed my first semester of nursing school with a B in BCA, a B in Fundamentals, and an A in Pharmacology.🎉🎈🎊 Level 1 ✅ On to level 2. 👩🏻‍⚕️

I’ve been doing really well in pharmacology. I mean, I’m not like the Bobby Fischer of pharmacology, creating new medications as a hobby or anything. But with a little effort, it hasn’t been that bad. Ok, that may have been an understatement. Or a tiny inaccuracy. FINE! I’m lying out of my face hole! Happy? 😫

It has taken me a WHOLE LOT of effort. I’ve got Khan Academy and YouTube videos favorited; binders filled with printed PowerPoints, notes, and the quintessential handwritten drug cards; I’ve even stashed flash cards around the house like a squirrel storing nuts for winter. 👀

But once I got into a rhythm of how and what to study, things started to click. Which made exam days so much nicer.

Still, this exam was not my best. Have I ever told you guys how I feel about comprehensive exams? They are the devil. Don’t come at me. I said what I said. 😤 Here’s the thing. Learning the material and then doing a brain dump before moving on to the next unit is the worst thing anyone can do. You know it. I know it. The American people know it. Unfortunately, my brain has its own agenda. It retains — and purges what it wants, when it wants and I’m just along for the ride. 🙃

It remains to be seen if my brain actually retained anything this year unrelated COVID, politics, or toilet paper. 😝 But I’m doing my best.

As expected, the questions I struggled with were from earlier this semester. This raises some significant concerns for me about taking the NCLEX in what feels like a decade from now. 🙈 But I’m not going to think about that right now. 🤐

Today I made an 88. If I’ve calculated correctly, that should give me a 92 for the class, once the remaining outstanding assignments {that have been graded, but not reflected in the final calculations} are updated.

As with any award show, I’d like to close my speech by thanking God, Elsevier, and my extraordinary support system of family, friends, and fellow students for helping me make an ‘A’ in pharmacology so I can move on with life. 🙌🏻

Shout out to anyone who hasn’t been hurled from one of the cars on this emotional roller coaster you’ve been riding with me. I know it’s been hard to watch. 🙈

Today was exam 3 and we’ve already gotten our grades! I know. It was such a pleasant surprise. I’m so glad to know that Santa got my letters! 😃

I didn’t ace it, because that’s not a thing that exists in nursing school. I made an 83. 😌 I was less successful with this one than I was with the first one, BUT I worked so hard for this B. 🙌🏻 And it’s such an improvement over the 71 that almost institutionalized me on the last one. 👀

This exam covered sexually transmitted infections, male and female reproductive disorders, and transgender care. I get it. It’s not everyone’s favorite content. But it was so fascinating to me and most of it just clicked, by itself, without my usual struggle to control my brain’s focus. In fact, it came so naturally that I didn’t trust my comprehension. 😬

I mean, how could I know stuff by just reviewing it once or twice and not having to threaten to stab my brain with a Q-tip? 🤔 Not possible.

So, I’m pretty sure the things I missed were things I knew, but didn’t believe I knew. 😝 Which actually makes me feel a lot better. I really don’t mind missing things. Don’t give me that look. 🤨 It’s true! I swear. 💁🏻‍♀️ What worries me is when I don’t feel confident in my ability to take care of my future patients. And I felt really good about this material. 🧘🏻‍♂️

So, to recap… I’ve still got some work to do on fluids and electrolytes, but if there’s a concern about reproductive disorders or sexually transmitted infections, I’m your girl. 🙋🏻‍♀️

Next stop: Pharmacology final and HESI 1st semester exit exam next week.

Stay tuned… 🙃

Despite the {many} challenges of #2020, 😒 I have so much for which to be thankful. So here is my ooey gooey, touchy-feely, uncomfortably emotional list. 😬

No, this is not a new trend. You guys know I don’t like to feel things. So, after this, I will be stuffing my sappy feels back into their box, where they belong.😆

I’m thankful for a husband who likes to push my buttons. All of them. Simultaneously. Every chance he gets. Even some I didn’t realize I had.🤨 But he also lets me be my neurotic self, takes care of things I can’t {or won’t} and loves me when I don’t even like myself. 😌

I’m thankful for my baby sister. Not only is she one of my best friends and biggest supporters, but she has also allowed me to experience some of the joys of motherhood through the special relationship she has fostered between her children and me.💞

I’m thankful for fabulous friends who have absolutely no idea how fabulous they are. ☺️ I’m so fortunate to have so many people in my life to provide love, support, encouragement, perspective, and clarity {and occasionally offer to slap some sense into me when I really need it.🙃}

I’m thankful for a wonderful job with a phenomenal team that inspires me and gives me a wonderful example of the care and compassion I want to deliver, and an extraordinary company that genuinely cares about its people, patients, and our community. 💖

And finally, believe it or not, I’m thankful for nursing school. 😱 No, I’m not being held hostage and trying to signal for help. 😆 It might not be exactly how I pictured nursing school, but I’m so grateful to be here. {Yes, even on the bad days, when I’m hyperventilating into a paper bag waiting for my grades to post. 😝} The nursing program is a limited access, highly competitive program. A lot of really sharp, highly qualified candidates apply, but not everyone gets accepted. 😕 Still, somehow, they looked over my transcripts, references, and information and saw something in me that made them believe I deserved this opportunity. 🤯 And I feel so humbled and beyond blessed. It hasn’t been easy and I still have 3 semesters to go. But I’m learning and exploring so many things and I’ve met some incredible friends who fully understand my joys and struggles. No matter how difficult things get {and you guys have been reading my accounts of how difficult they can get. 👀} I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything. 😌

I’ve felt many, many things throughout 2020, but above all else, I’m thankful for everyone and everything I have. And I’m so glad there’s a day devoted to reminding me to count my blessings. 🥰

Happy Thanksgiving! #GobbleTillYouWobble

I debated on whether to write this post. I really wanted to just crawl into a hole and pretend my most recent exam never happened. But I think it’s important to be open and honest. I also want to have an authentic account of my experience as a nursing student. That means documenting all of it: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

A couple weeks ago, my nursling friends and I took our 2nd exam for Basic Care of the Adult. I still hate waiting for my grade, but I’m learning to cope. So maybe helping instill patience by withholding grades is part of the process. 🤔 Touché. ✅ Clever, nursing professors, very clever. 😏

As per the uje, we studied our faces off. 😵 We entered the test center fully prepared and dripping with confidence. 💪🏻 We actually had the audacity to think we were ready. Lol forever. 😂🤣😆😅 Aren’t we adorable with our delusions? 🤣 Spoiler: You can’t prepare for these exams. They are UNPREDICTABLE. 👀 Still, we keep holding out hope. That’s gotta count for something, right? 😬 RIGHT? 🥺 Please tell me it counts for something, cuz we’re really struggling and that tiny shred of hope that the next exam will be a slightly more merciful than the last is all we’ve got. 😭

😨 We finally got our grades this week. I was so excited, because I had felt like I’d had a firm grasp of the material and I really wanted to see how well I had done.

I logged in, clicked on the grades tab, scrolled to the bottom and when I saw my grade, I felt my soul leave my body. 💀 Remember earlier when I talked about good, bad, and ugly? This exam was ugly. I scored a 71. 😵 My lowest score yet. A 69 is failure; this was borderline failure. 😱 I’m not comfortable at borderline failure. No one is. Because it FEELS like failure. I’ve never worked so hard to barely pass. I’m so disappointed in myself. It seems like there must have been so much more I could have and should have done to absorb and retain this information. 😔

I mean, come on. This is not just a personal development class with no right or wrong answers. 😤 This is not material with a goal of teaching me more about myself and assisting me with personal growth. This is CRITICAL MATERIAL that will drive the very core of many of the recommendations I make and the care I provide to my patients.🤭

I need to be able to precisely interpret lab values and have strong knowledge of fluids and electrolytes, as well as the implications of fluctuations therein. I need to know these things inside and out, front, back, and sideways. I need to know that I’m doing everything I can to become the safe, competent nurse that my future patients require and deserve. 🥺

I know what you guys are going to say. “It’s just one exam; don’t beat yourself up.” “You’ll do better on the next one.” “You did your best.” “You still passed. C’s get degrees.” I genuinely appreciate you guys. 🤗 I love that you are always so supportive and encouraging. ☺️ It means so much to me. 💖

But, and I say this with love, what if you’re wrong? 🙉

What if I DON’T do better next time? 😳 What if it just keeps getting incrementally WORSE? Exam 1 was an 88. Exam 2 was just a 71. If this pattern continues, exam 3 could be a 49. 🤐 You probably think I’m a crazy person, hyper-focused on my exam grades, and I’m not saying I disagree with you. 😫 I’m just saying that, in terms of elementary sequential analysis, it’s a probability. 👀

It’s not getting any easier to decide which is the mOsT cOrReCt answer. 🧐 In most cases, I’ve become fairly proficient at narrowing my choices down to two. On certain games shows that would at least give me the option to poll the audience or phone a friend. But NoOoOoOo. I’m supposed to depend on this historically incompetent pile of Play-doh in my skull. 😂

So, I sit there, like a slug, waiting for a sign from God. 🙏🏻 Unfortunately, it’s 2020 and he’s a little busy these days. 🙈 So, my Play-doh and I do our best. 🥴

Now, you might be thinking… That’s ok. NBD. Maybe it’s just nerves and anxiety. After I move on to another question, something in there will click and I can just say, “Wait a minute, I think I misread that last question. Let me just take another look.” 🤓 NOPE! 👎🏻 Sorry, no backsies. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Once I go to the next question, no U-turns ❌. The previous question? Error 4️⃣0️⃣4️⃣ Page not found. I’m gonna need to forget all about him. We don’t know each other anymore. The next time I catch a glimpse of him will be when I get to review what I got wrong and he’s smugly reminding me that I couldn’t turn around. 😒 #Rude

These exams are trying to prepare us for the NCLEX. The NCLEX doesn’t let you go back. Thus, exams ≠ ↩️.

I’m also still getting certain unfamiliar conversions confused. 😝 Do you guys know what a grain is? Do you think it’s a small, hard seed used to make cereal or bread? WRONG!! Well, I mean, yes, that too… 😒 But for our purposes, it’s an apothecary measure. And it needs to be converted to milligrams or it jacks up the entire medication equation. I’ve committed to memory that 1 grain equals 60 mg. At least until I see it on an exam. Then my dyslexia wants to get squirrelly and make me question if the conversion is actually 1 mg = 60 grains. 🧠 So, this is adds another terrifying level of uncertainty to my test anxiety. 🤪

Fun fact: This is also one of the reasons I go through Post-its like they’re Tic Tacs. {Calculate by hand, recalculate with calculator, ask Siri and/or Google, repeat, compare, find experienced nurse to verify, possibly repeat entire process with different nurse.🙃}

I’m trying to stay positive and keep my sense of humor, because those are my most effective coping mechanisms. 😁 Still, if I’m being honest, I spend a lot of time with a little voice sniping in my ear that maybe the reason I’m having to fight so hard for this dream is because it’s not meant to be. 😕

I know I’m not alone. A lot of us have similar negative inner voices. There is such a heaviness in feeling like the person who believes in you the least… is you. 🥴 But in those moments when that voice is trying so hard to convince me to give up, I take a deep breath and I shut it down. Not today Satan. 🙅🏻‍♀️

I’ve come this far because I truly believe this is my calling. I chose this because I wanted it. I still want it. More than ever. I’d choose it over and over, no matter how long it takes or how rough it gets. With each wrong answer, lower than anticipated grade, temporary setback, or emotional breakdown, I learn, adjust, and become better prepared to join an incredible group of professionals. 💓

If becoming a nurse were an easy fete, it wouldn’t be one of the most respected and valued professions in the world. So, for now, I live to study another day. Please continue to pray for all of us COVID nurslings as we struggle, backslide, stumble, and question everything about ourselves, then turn around, get back up, dust off our scrubs, open our huge textbooks and impressive collection of highlighters, and we press on. 👩🏻‍⚕️

Most of my cohort took our first exam for Basic Care of the Adult (BCA) last Monday. 😑 How did I feel about the exam? 🤔 I’m so glad you asked. I was absolutely, 100 percent positively certain that beyond the shadow of a doubt I did not have the slightest idea how I did. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I mean, I studied… a lot. I studied PowerPoints, the textbook, my stockpile of notes, YouTube, Khan Academy, and whatever else I could find that I thought might give me an edge. 😬 I studied until I was sure my brain would start purging critical information to make room for new data and I got a little worried that I might have to relearn to tie my shoes or drive my car by the end of the semester. 🤪

I know I’ve said it before, but I cannot stress this enough…Everything you’ve heard about nursing school is NOT an exaggeration. 😂 They are not lying when they joke that almost all answers are correct, but you choose the MOST correct. 🤯 They aren’t just teaching us routine skills, they’re trying to help us hone our critical thinking skills, which for those of us who are always coming up with new and exciting ways to overthink, is really rough. 😰

Usually, shortly after an exam, grades are posted and I can temporarily soothe my anxiety, at least until the next test. Yes, I know some of you think I’m a pansy because I can’t survive without the instant gratification of finding out my grade immediately. But that’s only because it’s TRUE. 🤣 You’re all right! I completely agree with you. It’s a sad state of affairs. I’m just a mess. Don’t even look at me. 🙈

We’ve discussed my struggle with patience. {or lack thereof}🙈 I’m working on it. Baby steps. But I ask you, is it really wrong to NEED to know ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME? 🤔 I think not. 🧐

Unfortunately, the universe is determined to teach me some level of patience, with or without my cooperation. 🙃 Because a few of our poor peers experienced some challenges that prevented them from testing with us. 😕 And grades are withheld until everyone has an opportunity to complete their exam. So, I have been {not so} patiently waiting for grades to post. 😒

Well, the wait is over. Tonight, they posted! 🥳 And I somehow passed with an 88. 🤩

If I could just pinpoint which of my 40,000 ADHD study tactics was responsible for my score, so I could concentrate my efforts, I’d be unstoppable. 🤓