I would like to apologize for a couple of things and I hope you’ll allow me an opportunity to do better, as a friend, as an ally, and as a human. First please forgive me for my inexcusable silence.

In the past, I’ve heard, read, and witnessed a variety of ignorance and insensitivity. Some, comments, statements, and jokes, while cringe-worthy, were thought to be harmless or even well intentioned, others were blatantly spiteful. They often made me uncomfortable, but I rarely spoke up.

Part of me felt it wasn’t my place to say something, especially online. Part of me felt it was a waste of my time and energy to attempt to enlighten people who would rather argue than understand. But more often than not, I remained silent simply to avoid confrontation, especially with family and people I considered to be friends. I gave a lot of people a pass, because I loved them and they were wonderful people, despite their flaws.

However, I have been doing a lot of reading, listening, and learning recently. I thought I was educated, but I’m embarrassed I never took the time to learn more about racism before now. Unlike some who don’t believe racism still exists, I’ve always known it was very real. I’ve also felt it was hurtful, disgusting, and wrong. But I didn’t realize how much I had ignored or how much my {and other people’s} inaction fueled the fire and perpetuated the cycle of ignorance and hatred.

I would never do or accept anything obviously racist, such as calling the police on a group of black people enjoying a gathering in a park, or jogging in a neighborhood, or visiting a gym, but I have stood silently when cashiers whispered about black teens needing supervision to prevent theft in their store, and rolled my eyes while scrolling past social media users challenging Black Lives Matter posts with responses about all lives mattering, deflecting the issue with retorts about black on black violence, black on white violence, police brutality against white people, or even stealing the platform to further an agenda against abortion.

I’ve learned that while I was not racist, I was not actively anti-racist. Which is a HUGE distinction.

The more I learn, the less I can accept and the more I want to use my voice to be an advocate for change and to educate others. I’ve begun responding to ignorant and irrelevant statements with education, trying to share what I’ve learned. Unfortunately, the responses to my efforts have taught me even more.

I’m learning many people are unable or unwilling to change or see perspectives that challenge their core beliefs. It is emotionally and physically exhausting, and I’ve only just started to experience it firsthand. I’m getting a lot of arguments, anger, name calling, and excuses. It is disheartening, but these reactions only prove that we, as humans, still have a long way to go and a lot of work to do.

The emotional, mental, and physical burden, although new to me, has always been accompanied the burden of racism for people of color.

So, it is the other piece for which I want to ask for forgiveness. I am deeply sorry for the heavy toll inequality, injustice, and white silence have taken on you and your loved ones for generations.

I don’t know if I’ve ever said or done anything that drained your energy or emotional reserves. I can’t remember if I ever expected you to be my point of reference, asking you, as my black friend, to help me understand a racial issue that I should have researched on my own. But if I have, I’m sorry. I hope you’ll be patient with me. I promise, I really am trying to learn, grow, and be better. 💗