Despite the {many} challenges of #2020, 😒 I have so much for which to be thankful. So here is my ooey gooey, touchy-feely, uncomfortably emotional list. 😬

No, this is not a new trend. You guys know I don’t like to feel things. So, after this, I will be stuffing my sappy feels back into their box, where they belong.😆

I’m thankful for a husband who likes to push my buttons. All of them. Simultaneously. Every chance he gets. Even some I didn’t realize I had.🤨 But he also lets me be my neurotic self, takes care of things I can’t {or won’t} and loves me when I don’t even like myself. 😌

I’m thankful for my baby sister. Not only is she one of my best friends and biggest supporters, but she has also allowed me to experience some of the joys of motherhood through the special relationship she has fostered between her children and me.💞

I’m thankful for fabulous friends who have absolutely no idea how fabulous they are. ☺️ I’m so fortunate to have so many people in my life to provide love, support, encouragement, perspective, and clarity {and occasionally offer to slap some sense into me when I really need it.🙃}

I’m thankful for a wonderful job with a phenomenal team that inspires me and gives me a wonderful example of the care and compassion I want to deliver, and an extraordinary company that genuinely cares about its people, patients, and our community. 💖

And finally, believe it or not, I’m thankful for nursing school. 😱 No, I’m not being held hostage and trying to signal for help. 😆 It might not be exactly how I pictured nursing school, but I’m so grateful to be here. {Yes, even on the bad days, when I’m hyperventilating into a paper bag waiting for my grades to post. 😝} The nursing program is a limited access, highly competitive program. A lot of really sharp, highly qualified candidates apply, but not everyone gets accepted. 😕 Still, somehow, they looked over my transcripts, references, and information and saw something in me that made them believe I deserved this opportunity. 🤯 And I feel so humbled and beyond blessed. It hasn’t been easy and I still have 3 semesters to go. But I’m learning and exploring so many things and I’ve met some incredible friends who fully understand my joys and struggles. No matter how difficult things get {and you guys have been reading my accounts of how difficult they can get. 👀} I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything. 😌

I’ve felt many, many things throughout 2020, but above all else, I’m thankful for everyone and everything I have. And I’m so glad there’s a day devoted to reminding me to count my blessings. 🥰

Happy Thanksgiving! #GobbleTillYouWobble

I debated on whether to write this post. I really wanted to just crawl into a hole and pretend my most recent exam never happened. But I think it’s important to be open and honest. I also want to have an authentic account of my experience as a nursing student. That means documenting all of it: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

A couple weeks ago, my nursling friends and I took our 2nd exam for Basic Care of the Adult. I still hate waiting for my grade, but I’m learning to cope. So maybe helping instill patience by withholding grades is part of the process. 🤔 Touché. ✅ Clever, nursing professors, very clever. 😏

As per the uje, we studied our faces off. 😵 We entered the test center fully prepared and dripping with confidence. 💪🏻 We actually had the audacity to think we were ready. Lol forever. 😂🤣😆😅 Aren’t we adorable with our delusions? 🤣 Spoiler: You can’t prepare for these exams. They are UNPREDICTABLE. 👀 Still, we keep holding out hope. That’s gotta count for something, right? 😬 RIGHT? 🥺 Please tell me it counts for something, cuz we’re really struggling and that tiny shred of hope that the next exam will be a slightly more merciful than the last is all we’ve got. 😭

😨 We finally got our grades this week. I was so excited, because I had felt like I’d had a firm grasp of the material and I really wanted to see how well I had done.

I logged in, clicked on the grades tab, scrolled to the bottom and when I saw my grade, I felt my soul leave my body. 💀 Remember earlier when I talked about good, bad, and ugly? This exam was ugly. I scored a 71. 😵 My lowest score yet. A 69 is failure; this was borderline failure. 😱 I’m not comfortable at borderline failure. No one is. Because it FEELS like failure. I’ve never worked so hard to barely pass. I’m so disappointed in myself. It seems like there must have been so much more I could have and should have done to absorb and retain this information. 😔

I mean, come on. This is not just a personal development class with no right or wrong answers. 😤 This is not material with a goal of teaching me more about myself and assisting me with personal growth. This is CRITICAL MATERIAL that will drive the very core of many of the recommendations I make and the care I provide to my patients.🤭

I need to be able to precisely interpret lab values and have strong knowledge of fluids and electrolytes, as well as the implications of fluctuations therein. I need to know these things inside and out, front, back, and sideways. I need to know that I’m doing everything I can to become the safe, competent nurse that my future patients require and deserve. 🥺

I know what you guys are going to say. “It’s just one exam; don’t beat yourself up.” “You’ll do better on the next one.” “You did your best.” “You still passed. C’s get degrees.” I genuinely appreciate you guys. 🤗 I love that you are always so supportive and encouraging. ☺️ It means so much to me. 💖

But, and I say this with love, what if you’re wrong? 🙉

What if I DON’T do better next time? 😳 What if it just keeps getting incrementally WORSE? Exam 1 was an 88. Exam 2 was just a 71. If this pattern continues, exam 3 could be a 49. 🤐 You probably think I’m a crazy person, hyper-focused on my exam grades, and I’m not saying I disagree with you. 😫 I’m just saying that, in terms of elementary sequential analysis, it’s a probability. 👀

It’s not getting any easier to decide which is the mOsT cOrReCt answer. 🧐 In most cases, I’ve become fairly proficient at narrowing my choices down to two. On certain games shows that would at least give me the option to poll the audience or phone a friend. But NoOoOoOo. I’m supposed to depend on this historically incompetent pile of Play-doh in my skull. 😂

So, I sit there, like a slug, waiting for a sign from God. 🙏🏻 Unfortunately, it’s 2020 and he’s a little busy these days. 🙈 So, my Play-doh and I do our best. 🥴

Now, you might be thinking… That’s ok. NBD. Maybe it’s just nerves and anxiety. After I move on to another question, something in there will click and I can just say, “Wait a minute, I think I misread that last question. Let me just take another look.” 🤓 NOPE! 👎🏻 Sorry, no backsies. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Once I go to the next question, no U-turns ❌. The previous question? Error 4️⃣0️⃣4️⃣ Page not found. I’m gonna need to forget all about him. We don’t know each other anymore. The next time I catch a glimpse of him will be when I get to review what I got wrong and he’s smugly reminding me that I couldn’t turn around. 😒 #Rude

These exams are trying to prepare us for the NCLEX. The NCLEX doesn’t let you go back. Thus, exams ≠ ↩️.

I’m also still getting certain unfamiliar conversions confused. 😝 Do you guys know what a grain is? Do you think it’s a small, hard seed used to make cereal or bread? WRONG!! Well, I mean, yes, that too… 😒 But for our purposes, it’s an apothecary measure. And it needs to be converted to milligrams or it jacks up the entire medication equation. I’ve committed to memory that 1 grain equals 60 mg. At least until I see it on an exam. Then my dyslexia wants to get squirrelly and make me question if the conversion is actually 1 mg = 60 grains. 🧠 So, this is adds another terrifying level of uncertainty to my test anxiety. 🤪

Fun fact: This is also one of the reasons I go through Post-its like they’re Tic Tacs. {Calculate by hand, recalculate with calculator, ask Siri and/or Google, repeat, compare, find experienced nurse to verify, possibly repeat entire process with different nurse.🙃}

I’m trying to stay positive and keep my sense of humor, because those are my most effective coping mechanisms. 😁 Still, if I’m being honest, I spend a lot of time with a little voice sniping in my ear that maybe the reason I’m having to fight so hard for this dream is because it’s not meant to be. 😕

I know I’m not alone. A lot of us have similar negative inner voices. There is such a heaviness in feeling like the person who believes in you the least… is you. 🥴 But in those moments when that voice is trying so hard to convince me to give up, I take a deep breath and I shut it down. Not today Satan. 🙅🏻‍♀️

I’ve come this far because I truly believe this is my calling. I chose this because I wanted it. I still want it. More than ever. I’d choose it over and over, no matter how long it takes or how rough it gets. With each wrong answer, lower than anticipated grade, temporary setback, or emotional breakdown, I learn, adjust, and become better prepared to join an incredible group of professionals. 💓

If becoming a nurse were an easy fete, it wouldn’t be one of the most respected and valued professions in the world. So, for now, I live to study another day. Please continue to pray for all of us COVID nurslings as we struggle, backslide, stumble, and question everything about ourselves, then turn around, get back up, dust off our scrubs, open our huge textbooks and impressive collection of highlighters, and we press on. 👩🏻‍⚕️

Most of my cohort took our first exam for Basic Care of the Adult (BCA) last Monday. 😑 How did I feel about the exam? 🤔 I’m so glad you asked. I was absolutely, 100 percent positively certain that beyond the shadow of a doubt I did not have the slightest idea how I did. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I mean, I studied… a lot. I studied PowerPoints, the textbook, my stockpile of notes, YouTube, Khan Academy, and whatever else I could find that I thought might give me an edge. 😬 I studied until I was sure my brain would start purging critical information to make room for new data and I got a little worried that I might have to relearn to tie my shoes or drive my car by the end of the semester. 🤪

I know I’ve said it before, but I cannot stress this enough…Everything you’ve heard about nursing school is NOT an exaggeration. 😂 They are not lying when they joke that almost all answers are correct, but you choose the MOST correct. 🤯 They aren’t just teaching us routine skills, they’re trying to help us hone our critical thinking skills, which for those of us who are always coming up with new and exciting ways to overthink, is really rough. 😰

Usually, shortly after an exam, grades are posted and I can temporarily soothe my anxiety, at least until the next test. Yes, I know some of you think I’m a pansy because I can’t survive without the instant gratification of finding out my grade immediately. But that’s only because it’s TRUE. 🤣 You’re all right! I completely agree with you. It’s a sad state of affairs. I’m just a mess. Don’t even look at me. 🙈

We’ve discussed my struggle with patience. {or lack thereof}🙈 I’m working on it. Baby steps. But I ask you, is it really wrong to NEED to know ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME? 🤔 I think not. 🧐

Unfortunately, the universe is determined to teach me some level of patience, with or without my cooperation. 🙃 Because a few of our poor peers experienced some challenges that prevented them from testing with us. 😕 And grades are withheld until everyone has an opportunity to complete their exam. So, I have been {not so} patiently waiting for grades to post. 😒

Well, the wait is over. Tonight, they posted! 🥳 And I somehow passed with an 88. 🤩

If I could just pinpoint which of my 40,000 ADHD study tactics was responsible for my score, so I could concentrate my efforts, I’d be unstoppable. 🤓

This morning has felt like a graded exercise test. 🥴 We took our 3rd exam for Fundamentals, and our dosage safety exam.

You may or may not have heard that dosage safety in nursing is kind of a big deal. 😬 I mean, medical errors have long been the third leading cause of death, and a considerable portion of those are due to medication errors. 🤯 It’s crucial for nurses to understand how to safely and effectively calculate dosages, because people’s lives literally depend on it. 😳 Which is why, as student nurses, we are given 2 attempts to make at least a 90% on our dosage safety exams, or we must repeat the entire course! 😱 {No pressure.} 😰

Math and I have never really been friends. 😕 We’re more like very distant relatives who awkwardly nod to one another at the family reunion, while one of us pretends to have an urgent phone call. 🤣 I have nothing against math per se. It’s just not a skill I typically use outside of money management. 🤑 And it’s not something I’ve ever felt really comfortable or confident with. 🤐

Subsequently, I knew I would need to practice as much as possible. And I did! For weeks, I’ve been practicing every chance I got, plus studying the material for the regular exam. 🤓 When I walked in this morning, I 👏🏻 was 👏🏻 ready. 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

Until, I wasn’t. 🤪 Remember in the movie “A Christmas Story,” when Ralphie knew exactly what he wanted to say to Santa, until he climbed up on his lap? That was me. 😰 My mind went blank. 😳 It was like I had never encountered any of the information on this exam before in my life. My pulse quickened, my face felt flush, I could feel acid bubbling in my stomach and throat. 🤢 I had visions of being thrown out of nursing school, my family, friends, and colleagues disowning me. 😵

I pushed through and answered to the best of my ability, but somehow all and none of the answers seemed correct. 😶 I finished and my fears were realized… I scored a 73 on my main exam and a 75 on dosage safety. I felt like a failure and a fraud. I had robbed a more deserving student of acceptance into the limited access nursing program, and I did not deserve to be here. 😔

But just when I was feeling the lowest of lows, I saw an announcement from our instructor. There were glitches with the tests and she needed to manually assess them. 🤔 It was a tiny glimmer of hope. But I was pretty convinced that, if anything, she would only discover my scores were actually much lower than originally calculated.😖

All those familiar feelings of self-doubt and imposter syndrome came flooding back. How could I ever hope to become a nurse if I’m barely passing the first semester? I went home to pout, feel sorry for myself, and do some deep soul searching. 🥺

My pity party was interrupted by a good friend messaging me that grades had been adjusted. So, I reluctantly logged in to see the damage. 🙈

🥳🥳🥳🥳

I’m not a fraud or a failure. 🙌🏻 I made an 83 on my main exam and a 95 on my dosage safety exam! 🤩 I have what it takes to accomplish my goal: to be a safe and competent nurse. 👩🏻‍⚕️

The past couple weeks has been tough, but I’m surviving. 🙃 My trigeminal neuralgia flared up on my birthday 😭 (last weekend) and refused to let up. My neurologist had no availability for a few weeks and since it was painful, but tolerable, I was just {not so} patiently waiting… until yesterday morning when I started having nausea, vomiting, dizziness, and tremors, 🤪🥊 which is outside of my norm for these attacks. 😯 So, I reluctantly decided to visit the ER to see if things were more serious than I originally thought.

The ER turned out to be a great decision. As I would have hoped, the ER care team at Gulf Coast was incredibly attentive and compassionate. After some scans, labs, and meds, I achieved relief that I haven’t experienced since mid August. 🙌🏻 And I was finally able to focus my undivided attention on nursing school material. 😌

This morning, I tested my knowledge when I took my first exam for Foundations of Nursing. I always anticipate that my first test in any course will be a challenge because I never have any idea what to expect. But I’ve gotta level with you; nursing school is not for the faint of heart and I’m not wholly certain it gets any better. 👀 Nursing school questions are infamous, and for good reason. They are the epitome of evil. 😂

Sooooooo many correct answers, but which is the MOST correct? Does that term mean what I think it means? What DO I think it means? 🧐 Was that information even discussed during our lectures? Were there secret lectures no one told me about? Are they meeting behind my back? 😭 And did I mention how much I LOATHE the “select all that apply” questions? 😫😤 They ALLLLL apply! 😳 Or do they? Is that one there to trip me up? Do they just want me to tHiNk it’s only there to trip me up? Maybe they realized I would discover such a ruse and it’s actually right. 🤔

Did I even get accepted to the nursing program at all or is this all part of the elaborate social experiment that is 2020? 😧 Are they watching me squirm via clandestine webcam. 👀 Is this the sort of rabbit hole that leads one to become one of those tinfoil hat people? T🕳🐇 Why is my brain suddenly a useless gelatinous lump of ignorance and conspiracies? Where’s all that important information I’ve been learning in preparation for this exam? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Also, is it just me or is my heartbeat super loud? 🤕 Has it always been this loud? Can everyone else hear it? If I pass out, we’re all CPR certified, but I don’t know if any of us has ever practiced on a real person. Is this how I die? 😵 They say nursing school has never killed anyone? 💀 Is that true? Citation needed! 😬

Somehow, in spite of myself, I managed to complete the exam. And I did alright. Not horrible, not outstanding — just alright. I made an 80. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Don’t get me wrong, I know I could have done much worse. I convinced myself that this first exam would be a miserable failure, so the fact that I did better than a 70 is highly encouraging. 🥰

I’ve devoted my entire life to supporting people and building others up. My absolute favorite thing is to tell someone how amazing they are. People 👏🏻 need 👏🏻 and 👏🏻 deserve 👏🏻 to 👏🏻 hear 👏🏻 it! 👏🏻

All the while, I consistently tell myself I suck and I will never be good enough. 🙃 Good enough for what, exactly? I have no idea. 🤪 I can’t explain why I’m not kinder to myself. I’m my toughest critic and I’m always struggling with my own {mostly unrealistic and unattainable} standards. 🙄 If I can just get out of my own head and out of my own way, I will do great things… Stay tuned. 😘

I know what you’re thinking. 😏 No, I’m not talking about that “C” word. 😂 I’m talking about Coronavirus or CoVID-19. You know, the “C” word on everyone’s mind. 😬

I’m exhausted. 😓 My heart hurts for working families who don’t know how they’ll pay their bills; for truck drivers and retail workers who are also on the front lines, trying to keep supplies in stock; and for healthcare workers who don’t know if they’re going to carry this virus home to their own loved ones. 😔 I’m deeply worried, because I’m one of those healthcare workers, as are many of my friends. 😣

I’ve lost count of what day it is in this fight. If we’re being honest, I no longer care to count. I only know it’s already been a long road, and it’s still early. 😖

I’m a planner, a deliberative, calculating control freak. 🥴 I don’t just admit it; I embrace it. 💪🏻 I’ve never been comfortable with spontaneity or uncertainty. I’m not a ‘wait and see’ kind of creature. 🙃 I need timelines and blueprints. I NEED TO KNOW ALL THE THINGS! Because of reasons. 💁🏻‍♀️ I don’t sleep well these days. I stay awake to worry, contemplate, research and pray. I need to find calm amidst all this chaos. But mostly, I desperately need answers that simply do not yet exist. 😰

How long will this madness go on? I don’t know. No one does, and that’s a terrifying prospect. 😳

Viruses are like mischievous toddlers. They’re sneaky little jerks who don’t like to tell you what they’re up to. 😒 They sit quietly, doing sketchy things and when you notice the suspicious silence and ask what they’re doing, they respond with an evasive and innocently conniving, “Nuthin.” 🤓 But it’s actually worse than that. If it’s your toddler, you can intervene and swiftly stop whatever abomination might be brewing. 🙅🏻‍♀️

Living through this rapidly unfolding pandemic is more like helplessly observing someone else’s toddler wreaking havoc, while they’re trying to upload selfies to their IG. We’re all forced to wait and watch in sheer, unadulterated horror, speculating the results, with no way to know exactly what’s going to happen next or when it will end. 😭

We are blessed — and cursed with a world of information at our fingertips, the bulk of which we send and receive via social media. 🙄 And although many of us follow legitimate news outlets on those channels, we’re more inclined to receive second-hand information from friends, family, and even strangers. Which makes much of what we encounter incredibly subjective, biased and woefully inaccurate. 😨

Not everyone intentionally spreads false information. Fake news is often cleverly written and easy to believe. Thus, even well -meaning people can share misguided things. 😑 And with the lack of oversight or responsibility from companies like Facebook and Twitter, the spread of misinformation on social media continues to be a source of considerable frustration to many of us. 😤

Fear mongering is prevalent, and partly responsible for many people acting irrationally during this crisis. 🧻 However, another equally damaging response to the outbreak is willful ignorance from those who believe they are exempt from the consequences of this pandemic. 👙

They are correct…to minuscule degree. 🤫 It is widely known that the older population and those who are immunocompromised or have other significant underlying medical conditions are at greatest risk for the serious implications of the virus. Unfortunately, people who subscribe to delusions of age and health related protection are more wrong than right. Younger, healthier people are not immune to the virus. Viruses don’t discriminate and thinking otherwise is comparable to riding a motorcycle without a helmet or free falling without parachute. 🤔 You’re not guaranteed to become infected if you maintain your pre-pandemic routine, but wantonly avoiding the measures advised by public health officials certainly improves your chances. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Additionally, beliefs that younger people and those with healthy immune systems are strong enough to fight off the virus ignores the larger concern that fuels social distancing recommendations. The pleas for individuals to stay home as much as possible are motivated by evidence that people can be asymptomatic vectors, unknowingly spreading this potentially deadly virus to unsuspecting victims. 🦠

It’s understandable that people don’t want to be in seclusion. Social distancing is particularly difficult for many, because humans are social beings. The news stories of individuals visiting via phone, while sitting outside their elderly parents’ care facility windows are a poignant reminder of the emotional toll of this pandemic, and knowing that many others are unable to visit at all is even more tragic. 😢

Elsewhere, there are other chilling reminders of the gravity of this situation. Healthcare workers are scrambling to find alternative ways to protect themselves amid unprecedented PPE shortages, despite cautions about the efficacy and increased risk of infection from the use of cloth masks. Some hospitals are setting up unorthodox areas for COVID-19 screening, in preparation for what they consider to be an inevitable influx of patients. The state of Florida and other states have banned restaurant dining and closed other businesses. Virtually all schools are closed. Therefore, the class of 2020 will not be able to enjoy the rich experience that is synonymous with being a high school senior. These are truly dark and uncertain times. 😔

Still, despite all this uncertainty and hopelessness, there are reasons to stay optimistic. 😍 In Wuhan, China, they were able to close the last temporary hospital after the dramatic fall of cases. There is exciting news about clinical trials of existing drugs that could be effective in treating COVID-19. Researchers believe they have discovered an antibody capable of fending off an infection by the Covid-19 variant of coronavirus. A 103-year-old woman became the oldest person known to recover from the virus. Healthcare workers are united in the fight against this virus. Celebrities are making considerable donations. People are being genuinely good human beings. 🥰

There is also some comfort in a recent interview with Prof Walter Ricciardi, scientific adviser to Italy’s minister of health. Although new cases continue to overwhelm their medical system and their death toll is skyrocketing, things are slightly less concerning than their numbers suggest. Prof Ricciardi says Italy’s incredibly high mortality rate is attributed to two factors. First, they have a larger population of elderly people than other countries, with their hospital patients’ median age being 67.

Second, the way their deaths are classified inadvertently skews public perception. Essentially, if a patient dies while being positive for COVID-19, his/her death is reported to have occurred as a direct result of the virus, regardless of other underlying causes.

These subtle distinctions may seem insignificant or absurd, but they could explain why Italy is reporting mortality rates so much higher than other countries. 🤭

As we continue to navigate the long, arduous journey ahead, I refuse to sink into a pit of despair. 👊🏻 Instead, I will keep my eyes and ears open for signs of positivity and light. Good things are out there, you just have to look. 🤗

In the 14 or so months since Hurricane Michael, any semblance of a healthy lifestyle has been a distant memory. Like many in the wake of unspeakable disaster, I’ve been existing in survival mode. It’s different for everyone, but for me, this means skimping on high quality nutrition and opting for convenience foods. It means stress eating and avoiding nonessential activities that threaten to separate me from my beloved comfort zone. 🛌 It means outside of work, school, errands, and appointments, I’ve been a recluse… a very sedentary recluse. 👀

My actions {or inactions} have not been without consequence. In my descent into madness, I’ve also been incrementally gaining weight and creeping out of the normal A1C range and into Pre-Diabetic territory. This ‘elephant in the room’ was addressed at an appointment with my PCP in July.🐘 She told me that my A1C had put me in pre-diabetic status. 🙃

I have to be brutally honest here. I’m a fairly intelligent person. I’ve worked in healthcare most of my adult life and I’m desperately trying to make it through nursing school. I understand the implications of diabetes, better than most. However, I’m also really stubborn and like to live in denial. Thus, when she said “pre”, I just brushed it off, like an idiot.🤦🏻‍♀️

Unfortunately, some things simply will not be ignored. Whether you take them seriously or not. 😐 So, a few months later, at my October appointment, she gave me the news that my A1C had finally crept high enough to propel me to FULL BLOWN Type 2 Diabetic status. 😱

Wait. What? I was outraged, confused, and terrified. I can’t be a type 2 diabetic. I have a lot going on in my life right now. I don’t have time for this. 😵 How could this have happened? Why didn’t anyone… Oh, right. 🤭 Now I remember. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I was given countless warnings and valuable information, resources, and tools to help curb this. It didn’t have to be inevitable. I could have stopped it. But NO. In my delirium, I had honestly convinced myself that this serious {preventable} illness would magically resolve on its own, with no effort or lifestyle modifications on my part. 😤

And then it hit me! OMG! I was one of THOSE PEOPLE. 😮 The people who ignore all advice and fair warning from medical professionals. I may as well have been the patient who had just had her foot amputated, but stockpiled Little Debbies in the drawer of her hospital room’s night stand. WTF was wrong with me? 🤬 I had no one to blame except myself. 🤐

My doctor gave me a couple minutes to process the news. Then she asked me a very direct question that I wasn’t sure how to answer. She asked me if I felt like I could make the necessary changes or if we needed to begin pharmacological intervention. There’s no easy way to say this… My willpower SUCKS! I have stalked fad diets like a lion stalking a gazelle. 🙃 If I had devoted as much of my time and energy to making healthy changes as I have in researching tips and tricks from unqualified gurus, I wouldn’t be in this predicament. In short, I wasn’t sure I could make {and commit to} the changes I needed to make, but I wanted to try.

I started making small changes to my diet (counting calories, decreasing carbs, limiting processed foods, etc.) and because dietary changes are futile without some exercise, I decided I’d better try to move slightly more than a sloth. 😬

As is my way, I started feeling discouraged. I was tired. I was hangry. I wanted dessert! 😫 I mean, where was my dramatic improvement? All this work and I still looked like a ‘before’ photo. What a ripoff. 😒 Thankfully, my guardian angel knows me well. Whenever I felt weak, I’d be hit with divine intervention, in the form of a tv or print advertisement for T2D medications. 🙉 So, I was cranky and achy, but I pressed on.

Today was my follow-up appointment and I was dreading it. 🙈 I didn’t want to go. 🙅🏻‍♀️ Why should I? 👧🏻 All I ever get is bad news. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. 🧐 I just wanted to pout and eat some ice cream.

Don’t worry. I behaved myself and went. 😑 And you know what? I’m so excited! 😃 I’m not one of THOSE PEOPLE anymore! I’m compliant! 🥳 I’ve lost 12 pounds and my A1C has dropped an entire point. 🙌🏻 I’ve returned to a normal range and pharmacological therapy is officially off the table! 😃 Maybe I CAN do this.

I think I deserve a treat! 💁🏻‍♀️

Don’t give me that look. 😏 I’m having an apple cinnamon rice cake. But I’m gonna pretend it’s a cookie and there’s nothing you can do about it. 😜

Who knows? Maybe there’s an after photo in my future. 😉

I have been feeling so nervous and apprehensive since last semester concluded. And it occurred to me that other people may have been struggling with similar demons. 🤔

Many times over the winter break, I’ve had to fight intense urges to drop the classes in which I enrolled and just take a semester {or 2… or 3} off, admit defeat, and hide. 🙃

My inner voice is boorish and vicious. It feeds off of my self-doubt, basks in my temporary setbacks, and revels in the rise of obstacles. 😢

No matter how hard I work or how much progress I make, it insists I’m fooling myself. I’m just wasting precious time and money by attempting to do something with my life. It tries so hard to convince me that I’m a failure and a fraud. 😬 That I’m just not nursing material and everyone knows it. 😭 It’s a huge challenge to brush it off and press on. 🥴

If you’ve never experienced negative self talk, I hope you never do. It’s a frightening, unsettling feeling to constantly fight with your inner voice. It’s so odd to have genuine support and encouragement from countless people, but not from yourself. 😱

These are the same feelings that propelled a downward spiral and an unplanned 10 year college hiatus, from which I almost couldn’t recover. 😳

This imposter syndrome has plagued me my whole life. I’m not a typical student and never have been. I’ve always loved learning, but never felt worthy of the knowledge I sought or the goals I wanted to achieve. It’s been an exhausting uphill battle, always trying so hard to disregard the internal voice that declared so incessantly {and so believably} that I would never amount to anything.

A few days into each class, I gain some momentum. I find a groove. Things start to click and I know I can do what’s necessary to succeed. I start feeling like I’m where I belong and that I can actually achieve the goals I’ve set for myself. That’s when I’m at my best. That’s when I feel like me. Faint memories of that feeling are part of what helps me go on. 😌

Everyone looks forward to spring break, summer vacation, winter break, or even just extended weekends and student holidays. 🥳 They think I’m so strange when I say I don’t share that enthusiasm. 🙅🏻‍♀️

What they don’t understand is that breaks are not enjoyable downtime for me; they are all-consuming, undeniable torture. Breaks are when things slow down and that hateful, taunting inner voice can become louder and louder, until I’m hanging on its every word and nodding, tearfully in agreement. Breaks are when it takes every ounce of energy and tenacity I can muster to plan my next step and not lose sight of the big picture. 🤦🏻‍♀️

The time has come to start the new semester, to move forward. I made it. I survived. I didn’t surrender. My tuition is paid and my textbooks are in my bag. The break is finally over and in a few days, that awful inner voice will be just a low hum. 🤫

So, just know that if you also struggle with a negative inner voice that would have you believe you aren’t good enough or smart enough, it’s a liar. That voice has no idea what you and I are capable of and it has no power here. 💪🏻

The semester is officially over! 😎 I made an 89 on my Math for Liberal Arts final and finished that class with a 91. But the instructor was phenomenal and I never really had many issues there, once I found my groove.

I haven’t posted much about it, because I was really hoping things would improve. But I have struggled so more with A&P 2 than I ever have in any class I’ve taken. I don’t believe the material or my amount of effort was the problem. I have never felt so dissatisfied with an instructor. There was such limited assistance or guidance. The exams rarely reflected information outlined in the reviews; the PowerPoints (most say they were last updated between 2007-2012) were full of errors and often significantly differed from the lecture videos; and the textbook was barely referenced. In other classes, I’ve been able to use Khan Academy or other resources to deliver the material from a different perspective. So, I thought it might be helpful here. It was not. I would often feel really confident in my grasp of the material… only to be confused and proven wrong by exam question after exam question. 😦

I reached out for help a few times and I was always given a similar response: “The material is clearly stated in the PowerPoints and lecture videos.” But it wasn’t, at least not for me. 😔

I found some solace in the fact that former students {even some of my closest friends} have had similar experiences with this instructor, but solidarity can’t protect you from failure, which was my greatest fear in this class. I’ve been barely holding a C in this class all semester, living in absolute terror that any misunderstood question or forgotten detail would sabotage my entire future. It’s been the most stressful, agonizing, and emotionally exhausting semester of my life… which is mind boggling, because I survived a category 5 hurricane from inside my Jeep. 🤯 I won’t say this class has been worse than the hurricane, but I’ll just say both events will be infamously etched into my mind.

Fortunately, nothing lasts forever and this atrocious chapter has finally come to an end so I can move on. But the last hurdle of this class was just as complicated as the others.

I just finished my A&P 2 final. I’m relieved to be finished, but I honestly feel a little violated. 😳 It was the most bizarre, surreal experience. 😱

In all my ranting about this class, hubs has been adamant that my many struggles may just be due to the nature of online learning. That’s an interesting point. It’s wrong, but still interesting. 👍🏻 I have taken other online classes and so have countless friends and colleagues. I can assure you, my experience with this class is not the norm. I also want to preface that the level of security I’m about describe is not an industry standard for online education. It is solely at the discretion of your instructor. 🧐 Apparently my instructor believes online students cannot be trusted. 👀

In my house there are numerous devices. We have 2 chromebooks, a kindle, an LG tablet, an android phone and my iphone. None of them were compatible with the browser required for this final.🤦🏻‍♀️

So, how did I take my online A&P 2 final exam.

I went to the designated testing center in the campus library. It began with a 15 minute student and equipment verification process. First, I logged into the Respondus lockdown browser, you know, to prevent me from opening other webpages, or copying and pasting exam questions to sell to other students. {yes, that’s actually something explicitly stated by the software.} 🤨 Then came the webcam check to ensure there’s a clear view of me taking my exam. {I hope they delete the videos after the exam, because I looked a lot like I do on the Target self-checkout camera. 😂} After the webcam check, I was prompted to record a 60 second environment check showing my surroundings on, around, and under the computer and its desk. {The environment is a proctored campus testing center, so this seems a little unnecessary, but I guess it’s the same process regardless of your testing location.🙄} Then, the webcam took a picture of my face {read 👉🏻 mugshot} and a subsequent photo of my student ID for comparison, this is to prevent a student from coercing a friend or colleague into taking the exam in his/her place. 😯

I want to pause for a moment to say I think I need better friends. 😤 NO ONE. Not. A. Single. Person. ever offered to take my exams for me. 😭 Why has no one told me this was a thing.🤷🏻‍♀️ I feel so unloved. 😩

Okay, I guess I needed to do this all by myself so I could learn the material and what not, but it would have been nice if someone had at least offered. 😭

Anyhoo, I finished jumping through all of the hoops and finally started my 2 hour exam. I swear I’d never seen or heard 40-50% of the material she asked about on this exam. Which isn’t all that surprising with this class…🙃 It was intense. They may flag me for suspicion of cheating because I could not stop looking around the room at the walls, the floor, and the ceiling, as if some divining spirit was going to make answers magically appear. I’m sure the replay will be very entertaining for the individuals who review the footage. 😬

I’m not even sure how, and I honestly don’t even care at this point, but somehow I managed to score a 76, which gives me a 73 for the class. 👩🏻‍💻

Is it the best grade I’ve ever received? No.

Did I Kill It? No. I barely survived. 🥴

Am I satisfied? YESSSS! 🥳 Not just because I’m done with this class! 💃🏻 {Although that’s a feat in itself.😬} But I’m also incredibly proud of myself. I truly feel like I gave this class everything I had and some things I didn’t even realize I had. 😳 I worked for every single fraction of a point I earned.

Plus, I already have my “Class from Hades” story. Some nursing students have to go YEARS and obliviously think it will all be smooth sailing before they’re blindsided with this kind of adversity.😆

I deserve a reward… Is a nap a reward?🤔 Cuz it’s exhausting being a super stoked C student in a dystopian society. 😂