Have you ever gotten irritated or frustrated when someone asked you to do something that you were already going to do? It seems so petty. But I do this… like a lot. 😬 And I’ve never really understood why. 🤔 What difference does it really make if I’m just taking the initiative to do something or if someone is politely making the suggestion, without realizing I was already intending to do it?

I mean it’s not like my husband has inadvertently ruined his own surprise party by asking me to make a credit card payment I had already made a note to pay. It’s not like the coworker who asks me to call EVS about a spill, while I’m already dialing the number about that same spill is trying to be patronizing or condescending. And let’s be real. I don’t care how close we are or how long you’ve known me. No one can read my mind. 👀 Literally nobody has any idea what the circus of hamsters is doing on their tiny wheels in inside my head at any given moment. 🐹 I can barely keep up. 😂

But that’s neither here nor there. 🙃

The weird, unsettling aggravation from someone asking you to do something, especially if you were already going to do it, or in the process of said activity, stems from something called Psychological Reactance. 👩🏻‍🏫 It’s REALLY prevalent in adolescence. 🤓 And it’s something a lot of us need to explore. 🧐

Basically, when we feel like our competence, independence, or freedom is questioned or threatened, we’re compelled to respond with disdain and/or rebellion. Now, as a teenager, that all works out fine{ish}. Depending on who you ask. 😏

Because as a teenager, Mom might say something like, “Cody, please start a load of laundry, unload the dishwasher, and take out the trash before I get back from grocery shopping.” If Cody was already planning to do those things to help or surprise Mom and she didn’t realize it, he might be slightly offended or resentful that Mom robbed him of the opportunity to prove he could do things without being told or reminded. As a result he might react by grunting, groaning, and doing a less than stellar job. 🤷🏻‍♀️

In the end, Mom would be a little upset, and he might lose a privilege or two, but she would continue to love, feed, shelter, and care for him.

As an adult, on the other hand, rebellion doesn’t really work. The consequences are much greater. 😵‍💫 I mean, I could pout and ignore the credit card payment, but then I’m hit with late fees and interest and what not. And if I rebel against a reasonable request at work, aside from having to come to terms with the fact that I’d be behaving like a selfish, spoiled child, 👎🏻 I could put someone in danger, get written up, get fired, or all of the above. 🙈

Interestingly, I’m not just the victim of these situations. I’m also frequently an aggressor. 🙊 I know, I know!

You would think, as someone who routinely reminds other people to do things they may have already been doing or had on their list, I’d be able to give a little grace. 🥴 I told you we needed to explore this. 💁🏻‍♀️

So, here’s the thing. In order to stop feeling attacked when someone makes a request, you need to do a couple things.

1.) You have to take some personal responsibility. Remember how we were talking about people not being able to read my mind. Well, they can’t read yours either. So, take a few minutes to let people know what you’re planning to do. Instead of, “Stop nagging me about getting my eyes checked. I scheduled the exam for Tuesday.” Try, “Hey, I’m calling this afternoon to schedule an appointment to get my eye exam, I’ll let you know when the appointment is.” Or if you’re a teenager, instead of, “Ugh! Stop hounding me. I was gonna do the dishes after my show. Jeez.” {And let’s be honest, were you? 🤨} WELL BEFORE the time comes, try, “I’ll do the dishes tonight so you can relax. But do you mind if I watch ‘Never Have I Ever’ first?” Or whatever you guys watch… I’m sorry. I’m old. I have no idea. 😑

2.) You have to honestly consider some of the reasons why people guide, direct, and remind you about things.

• Anxiety: (Controlling your behavior reduces their worries. e.g. helicopter parents.😰)

• Perfectionism: (“I’m not saying you’re doing it wrong, but can I just show you the *right* way?” 😏)

• Ego/Self Importance: (I’m superior to you and I need you to acknowledge it. See mansplaining. 🙄)

• Genuine Concern & Helpfulness: The person wants to prevent you from incurring a penalty or punishment or losing time (like when a fellow nursing student casually sends you a reminder the night before big assignments are due. 🙋🏻‍♀️) {Anyone on the receiving end of this one, please don’t block me. 😬}

• They’ve “Seen Your Work”: If you have any history, large or small, recent or ancient, of missing or forgetting things, they might think you will always need some extra help. If you work at this, you can prove yourself, but it may take a long time. 🕰

Regardless of their reason for asking, prompting, or reminding, when you get upset, you’re reacting on presumptions that they’re questioning your abilities and/or threatening your freedom of choice.

If you do a little conscious work and reframe things, you’ll find that the majority of the time, that’s not the case.

Instead, you have to train yourself to respond, rather than reacting.

This could be as simple as saying, “Thanks, it’s already on my list.” Or “Great minds think alike. I’m already on it.” Alternatively, if it seems like it IS a negative situation, probe a little deeper. “Why are you reminding me to do something I’ve scheduled on my calendar and consistently done in the past. Has something changed?”

Perhaps something has changed. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe there’s a new due date or something. Maybe the person reminding you is anxious about forgetting things and projecting that onto you.

I won’t lie, though. There’s also a slim chance they’re actually alluding to your incompetence, as you suspected. 😒 But it’s the exception, not the rule. 😉 Either way, it’s better to evaluate things and respond accordingly than to react {or overreact} to unconfirmed presumptions.

There’s a lot less seething rage bubbling beneath your surface, raising your blood pressure and trying to give you an ulcer or a heart attack that way. 🫀