Shout out to anyone who hasn’t been hurled from one of the cars on this emotional roller coaster you’ve been riding with me. I know it’s been hard to watch. 🙈

Today was exam 3 and we’ve already gotten our grades! I know. It was such a pleasant surprise. I’m so glad to know that Santa got my letters! 😃

I didn’t ace it, because that’s not a thing that exists in nursing school. I made an 83. 😌 I was less successful with this one than I was with the first one, BUT I worked so hard for this B. 🙌🏻 And it’s such an improvement over the 71 that almost institutionalized me on the last one. 👀

This exam covered sexually transmitted infections, male and female reproductive disorders, and transgender care. I get it. It’s not everyone’s favorite content. But it was so fascinating to me and most of it just clicked, by itself, without my usual struggle to control my brain’s focus. In fact, it came so naturally that I didn’t trust my comprehension. 😬

I mean, how could I know stuff by just reviewing it once or twice and not having to threaten to stab my brain with a Q-tip? 🤔 Not possible.

So, I’m pretty sure the things I missed were things I knew, but didn’t believe I knew. 😝 Which actually makes me feel a lot better. I really don’t mind missing things. Don’t give me that look. 🤨 It’s true! I swear. 💁🏻‍♀️ What worries me is when I don’t feel confident in my ability to take care of my future patients. And I felt really good about this material. 🧘🏻‍♂️

So, to recap… I’ve still got some work to do on fluids and electrolytes, but if there’s a concern about reproductive disorders or sexually transmitted infections, I’m your girl. 🙋🏻‍♀️

Next stop: Pharmacology final and HESI 1st semester exit exam next week.

Stay tuned… 🙃

Despite the {many} challenges of #2020, 😒 I have so much for which to be thankful. So here is my ooey gooey, touchy-feely, uncomfortably emotional list. 😬

No, this is not a new trend. You guys know I don’t like to feel things. So, after this, I will be stuffing my sappy feels back into their box, where they belong.😆

I’m thankful for a husband who likes to push my buttons. All of them. Simultaneously. Every chance he gets. Even some I didn’t realize I had.🤨 But he also lets me be my neurotic self, takes care of things I can’t {or won’t} and loves me when I don’t even like myself. 😌

I’m thankful for my baby sister. Not only is she one of my best friends and biggest supporters, but she has also allowed me to experience some of the joys of motherhood through the special relationship she has fostered between her children and me.💞

I’m thankful for fabulous friends who have absolutely no idea how fabulous they are. ☺️ I’m so fortunate to have so many people in my life to provide love, support, encouragement, perspective, and clarity {and occasionally offer to slap some sense into me when I really need it.🙃}

I’m thankful for a wonderful job with a phenomenal team that inspires me and gives me a wonderful example of the care and compassion I want to deliver, and an extraordinary company that genuinely cares about its people, patients, and our community. 💖

And finally, believe it or not, I’m thankful for nursing school. 😱 No, I’m not being held hostage and trying to signal for help. 😆 It might not be exactly how I pictured nursing school, but I’m so grateful to be here. {Yes, even on the bad days, when I’m hyperventilating into a paper bag waiting for my grades to post. 😝} The nursing program is a limited access, highly competitive program. A lot of really sharp, highly qualified candidates apply, but not everyone gets accepted. 😕 Still, somehow, they looked over my transcripts, references, and information and saw something in me that made them believe I deserved this opportunity. 🤯 And I feel so humbled and beyond blessed. It hasn’t been easy and I still have 3 semesters to go. But I’m learning and exploring so many things and I’ve met some incredible friends who fully understand my joys and struggles. No matter how difficult things get {and you guys have been reading my accounts of how difficult they can get. 👀} I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything. 😌

I’ve felt many, many things throughout 2020, but above all else, I’m thankful for everyone and everything I have. And I’m so glad there’s a day devoted to reminding me to count my blessings. 🥰

Happy Thanksgiving! #GobbleTillYouWobble

I debated on whether to write this post. I really wanted to just crawl into a hole and pretend my most recent exam never happened. But I think it’s important to be open and honest. I also want to have an authentic account of my experience as a nursing student. That means documenting all of it: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

A couple weeks ago, my nursling friends and I took our 2nd exam for Basic Care of the Adult. I still hate waiting for my grade, but I’m learning to cope. So maybe helping instill patience by withholding grades is part of the process. 🤔 Touché. ✅ Clever, nursing professors, very clever. 😏

As per the uje, we studied our faces off. 😵 We entered the test center fully prepared and dripping with confidence. 💪🏻 We actually had the audacity to think we were ready. Lol forever. 😂🤣😆😅 Aren’t we adorable with our delusions? 🤣 Spoiler: You can’t prepare for these exams. They are UNPREDICTABLE. 👀 Still, we keep holding out hope. That’s gotta count for something, right? 😬 RIGHT? 🥺 Please tell me it counts for something, cuz we’re really struggling and that tiny shred of hope that the next exam will be a slightly more merciful than the last is all we’ve got. 😭

😨 We finally got our grades this week. I was so excited, because I had felt like I’d had a firm grasp of the material and I really wanted to see how well I had done.

I logged in, clicked on the grades tab, scrolled to the bottom and when I saw my grade, I felt my soul leave my body. 💀 Remember earlier when I talked about good, bad, and ugly? This exam was ugly. I scored a 71. 😵 My lowest score yet. A 69 is failure; this was borderline failure. 😱 I’m not comfortable at borderline failure. No one is. Because it FEELS like failure. I’ve never worked so hard to barely pass. I’m so disappointed in myself. It seems like there must have been so much more I could have and should have done to absorb and retain this information. 😔

I mean, come on. This is not just a personal development class with no right or wrong answers. 😤 This is not material with a goal of teaching me more about myself and assisting me with personal growth. This is CRITICAL MATERIAL that will drive the very core of many of the recommendations I make and the care I provide to my patients.🤭

I need to be able to precisely interpret lab values and have strong knowledge of fluids and electrolytes, as well as the implications of fluctuations therein. I need to know these things inside and out, front, back, and sideways. I need to know that I’m doing everything I can to become the safe, competent nurse that my future patients require and deserve. 🥺

I know what you guys are going to say. “It’s just one exam; don’t beat yourself up.” “You’ll do better on the next one.” “You did your best.” “You still passed. C’s get degrees.” I genuinely appreciate you guys. 🤗 I love that you are always so supportive and encouraging. ☺️ It means so much to me. 💖

But, and I say this with love, what if you’re wrong? 🙉

What if I DON’T do better next time? 😳 What if it just keeps getting incrementally WORSE? Exam 1 was an 88. Exam 2 was just a 71. If this pattern continues, exam 3 could be a 49. 🤐 You probably think I’m a crazy person, hyper-focused on my exam grades, and I’m not saying I disagree with you. 😫 I’m just saying that, in terms of elementary sequential analysis, it’s a probability. 👀

It’s not getting any easier to decide which is the mOsT cOrReCt answer. 🧐 In most cases, I’ve become fairly proficient at narrowing my choices down to two. On certain games shows that would at least give me the option to poll the audience or phone a friend. But NoOoOoOo. I’m supposed to depend on this historically incompetent pile of Play-doh in my skull. 😂

So, I sit there, like a slug, waiting for a sign from God. 🙏🏻 Unfortunately, it’s 2020 and he’s a little busy these days. 🙈 So, my Play-doh and I do our best. 🥴

Now, you might be thinking… That’s ok. NBD. Maybe it’s just nerves and anxiety. After I move on to another question, something in there will click and I can just say, “Wait a minute, I think I misread that last question. Let me just take another look.” 🤓 NOPE! 👎🏻 Sorry, no backsies. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Once I go to the next question, no U-turns ❌. The previous question? Error 4️⃣0️⃣4️⃣ Page not found. I’m gonna need to forget all about him. We don’t know each other anymore. The next time I catch a glimpse of him will be when I get to review what I got wrong and he’s smugly reminding me that I couldn’t turn around. 😒 #Rude

These exams are trying to prepare us for the NCLEX. The NCLEX doesn’t let you go back. Thus, exams ≠ ↩️.

I’m also still getting certain unfamiliar conversions confused. 😝 Do you guys know what a grain is? Do you think it’s a small, hard seed used to make cereal or bread? WRONG!! Well, I mean, yes, that too… 😒 But for our purposes, it’s an apothecary measure. And it needs to be converted to milligrams or it jacks up the entire medication equation. I’ve committed to memory that 1 grain equals 60 mg. At least until I see it on an exam. Then my dyslexia wants to get squirrelly and make me question if the conversion is actually 1 mg = 60 grains. 🧠 So, this is adds another terrifying level of uncertainty to my test anxiety. 🤪

Fun fact: This is also one of the reasons I go through Post-its like they’re Tic Tacs. {Calculate by hand, recalculate with calculator, ask Siri and/or Google, repeat, compare, find experienced nurse to verify, possibly repeat entire process with different nurse.🙃}

I’m trying to stay positive and keep my sense of humor, because those are my most effective coping mechanisms. 😁 Still, if I’m being honest, I spend a lot of time with a little voice sniping in my ear that maybe the reason I’m having to fight so hard for this dream is because it’s not meant to be. 😕

I know I’m not alone. A lot of us have similar negative inner voices. There is such a heaviness in feeling like the person who believes in you the least… is you. 🥴 But in those moments when that voice is trying so hard to convince me to give up, I take a deep breath and I shut it down. Not today Satan. 🙅🏻‍♀️

I’ve come this far because I truly believe this is my calling. I chose this because I wanted it. I still want it. More than ever. I’d choose it over and over, no matter how long it takes or how rough it gets. With each wrong answer, lower than anticipated grade, temporary setback, or emotional breakdown, I learn, adjust, and become better prepared to join an incredible group of professionals. 💓

If becoming a nurse were an easy fete, it wouldn’t be one of the most respected and valued professions in the world. So, for now, I live to study another day. Please continue to pray for all of us COVID nurslings as we struggle, backslide, stumble, and question everything about ourselves, then turn around, get back up, dust off our scrubs, open our huge textbooks and impressive collection of highlighters, and we press on. 👩🏻‍⚕️

Most of my cohort took our first exam for Basic Care of the Adult (BCA) last Monday. 😑 How did I feel about the exam? 🤔 I’m so glad you asked. I was absolutely, 100 percent positively certain that beyond the shadow of a doubt I did not have the slightest idea how I did. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I mean, I studied… a lot. I studied PowerPoints, the textbook, my stockpile of notes, YouTube, Khan Academy, and whatever else I could find that I thought might give me an edge. 😬 I studied until I was sure my brain would start purging critical information to make room for new data and I got a little worried that I might have to relearn to tie my shoes or drive my car by the end of the semester. 🤪

I know I’ve said it before, but I cannot stress this enough…Everything you’ve heard about nursing school is NOT an exaggeration. 😂 They are not lying when they joke that almost all answers are correct, but you choose the MOST correct. 🤯 They aren’t just teaching us routine skills, they’re trying to help us hone our critical thinking skills, which for those of us who are always coming up with new and exciting ways to overthink, is really rough. 😰

Usually, shortly after an exam, grades are posted and I can temporarily soothe my anxiety, at least until the next test. Yes, I know some of you think I’m a pansy because I can’t survive without the instant gratification of finding out my grade immediately. But that’s only because it’s TRUE. 🤣 You’re all right! I completely agree with you. It’s a sad state of affairs. I’m just a mess. Don’t even look at me. 🙈

We’ve discussed my struggle with patience. {or lack thereof}🙈 I’m working on it. Baby steps. But I ask you, is it really wrong to NEED to know ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME? 🤔 I think not. 🧐

Unfortunately, the universe is determined to teach me some level of patience, with or without my cooperation. 🙃 Because a few of our poor peers experienced some challenges that prevented them from testing with us. 😕 And grades are withheld until everyone has an opportunity to complete their exam. So, I have been {not so} patiently waiting for grades to post. 😒

Well, the wait is over. Tonight, they posted! 🥳 And I somehow passed with an 88. 🤩

If I could just pinpoint which of my 40,000 ADHD study tactics was responsible for my score, so I could concentrate my efforts, I’d be unstoppable. 🤓