As my first week of on-campus classes in nearly 10 years comes to an end, I’d like to share some of my observations. I’m learning a lot (mostly about myself) and I’m hopeful that my experience might help others. At the very least, you can laugh at the social experiment that I’m currently living.
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Disclosure: These are things that were not addressed in my orientation or any of my syllabi. So, cue the circus music. 🤹🏻♀️
1. So, you’ve registered for classes and now you want to buy some textbooks. Well, you’re in for a treat. Tangible textbooks are apparently an endangered species. 😳 It seems the college bookstore carries a very limited selection of actual books. Instead, there’s a wide variety of ebooks for you to purchase and if you think that means significant savings over traditional books, you’d be wrong. 🤑 Henceforth, you can expect to pay $100-$200 for a piece of cardboard with a little code printed on it, under a scratch off label. 😬 Thus, if you’re one of those poor, unfortunate people who is addicted to highlighting and making notes in your margin, 🙋🏻♀️you can either print all your chapters or use the computer’s highlighter function, which is kinda the same… but not really. 😒
2. If you have two or more classes that are at opposite ends of the campus, you may arrive full of hope and optimism and say to yourself, “Self, our next class doesn’t start for a full 15 minutes after this one. It’s a beautiful day. We can just park here and walk over and back.”💁🏻♀️ This is a blatant fabrication. You are a LIAR! You know it, I know it, the American people know it! ✋🏻Stop it! This is trickery bordering on witchcraft and you will live to regret it! You may be fine walking to your next class (maybe), but after attending ALL of your classes, you will no longer be full of sunshine and positivity. You will be ready to GO! You may experience feelings of overstimulation, frustration, edginess, HANGRINESS, and tiredness. 😩 So, seeing fellow students, who planned better than you, walk just a few feet to their cars, while you immediately remember that your own vehicle is parked in a completely different time zone, 🚙 may cause strange feelings of resentment, bitterness, and irritability, for which you did not prepare. 😒
3. You are a few years older than the other students in your classes. This is the South. Naturally, you will encounter at least a few students who have been raised properly, having good manners and showing respect to their elders. Is this a good thing? In most situations, yes. So what’s the problem? Well, let me enlighten you. You may have recently convinced yourself that these children were your peers, that you were all just adults and all equal, because you were all here for the same reason. LOL forever! 🤣😂😆 These pretty, young, wrinkle-free people do not consider you a peer. They consider you a novelty. You are the token old person on campus, who just happens to be in their class this semester. (Your pre-Alzheimer’s delusions are so adorable.👴🏻) Your already fragile ego will be shattered when one (or more) of these “peers” inadvertently calls you ma’am, prompting you to wonder if you can get a senior discount for your tuition. 🤔 Do not be discouraged. Just remind yourself that with age comes wisdom and the ability to drink wine… lots and lots of wine.🍷
4. Now that you’ve been declared a senior citizen by Gidget and Skippy, you may be tempted to go to some extra effort in the makeup department. 💅🏻 This is another mistake. You may feel pretty good about yourself, but I have some hard truth for you, friend. Please take a seat or lay down. Take some deep, cleansing breaths. You may need to take an Ativan or two for what I’m about to tell you. Ready? Good. Here it comes… 👉🏻No amount of makeup will change the fact that 20 somethings think anyone over 30 is old. You need to accept this. Because, when they continue to call you ma’am, even after you give yourself a mini makeover, a tiny piece of you will die. It’s okay, you don’t need that piece, it probably would’ve developed arthritis later anyway. 😏 Aside from the makeup being ineffective in your quest to regain your youth, do you know what happens when you try to look through a microscope with perfectly applied {water-proof} mascara and eye shadow? It plumps up your lashes to the point where they won’t get out of the way so you can see AND it gets all over the oculars! It smudges the lenses. You literally can’t see ANYTHING useful! You may think you’re looking at the oral bacteria on your slide, but it’s actually either makeup smudges or your plump, full eyelashes! 😭 And as a bonus, at the end of class, when you’re cleaning the microscope, you will spend at least an additional 20 minutes, using an entire pack of tiny lint-free paper microscope wipes to get it all off. Because they are not makeup wipes and they didn’t sign up for this nonsense. 🤦🏻♀️
5. There will be at least one perpetually late, unprepared person. You’re an empathetic person and you know what it’s like to be different, so you will want to help this person. But I want you to listen very carefully. This is going to sound really harsh, but this is another trap. This is the same kid who carelessly partied and slacked off all through high school. (I really hope she proves me wrong, but so far, she’s been in 2 of my classes, on 2 different days – a total of four encounters – and a pattern has emerged.😕) She will drain every ounce of patience you have. When she nonchalantly arrives 15-20 minutes late, texting and needing to borrow a pen, paper, gloves, notes, and even has the audacity to ask if anyone has a spare lab coat. 🤨 She will also have no idea what is going on and explaining it will put you behind. 🙄ABORT! Avoid eye contact! DO NOT ENGAGE! 🛑 If you don’t think this a major issue in the making, I suggest you read the children’s book, “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.” It will provide a great metaphor for how things are likely to progress.🙅🏻♀️
So, there are my first week observations. Stay tuned for new developments. 😁
Overstimulated and Underhydrated 